It was a bad day yesterday. All the hard work that I had put in for the past few weeks seemed to be wasted as I seemed to slip into the state of depression that I was in 6 weeks ago. At times when I felt that I was so strong and be able to move on, yesterday I felt so weak and powerless - almost to the break point. I supposed all these come in cycles but I was surprised at my very own weakness just after the episode over the weekend. Perhaps all these while I was just putting up a brave front - in essence I was nothing but a weakling. I did not know why but her presence and absence both have an enormous impact on me. Yesterday she was not around, she did not even call or SMS - not me and not even the kids. After dinner the two children went to their work. And the little one was at her worst - throwing a very bad tantrum. She was screaming and wailing and seemed intent on doing so to gain attention. I let her screamed for a while and until she broke down to cry then I carried and consoled her. I was checking on my letters and then I realized that the little one was carrying a cup of orange juice and spilling all over the place. I immediately screamed for S, telling her to take her orange juice and told reprimanded her for leaving her orange juice lying around. Then I screamed for the maid to clean up the place. I was then helping F with her maths. The maid was sweeping the floor and then the little one came again - this time wanted to take over the broom from the maid to sweep the floor. The maid did not give in to her and she was again rolling and the floor and screaming. I was at my breaking point as I went over to carry her and I brought her to the bedroom. I did not know why but I felt so lost with the burden of the three kids and I felt so lost because she was not around to help. I called her immediately and screamed at her - telling her that as much as she wanted out, as much as she wanted me to carry on with the kids while she can concentrate on her work, I would also have that right as well. I told her that I was going on to try for another month, and if everything did not work out, I was looking at the option of moving out as well - leaving the three kids to her. I knew it was crazy for me to say such things. I knew I very much wanted to be with the kids and I knew how much I wanted her to be there with me for the kids. But she did not want that - she only wanted to enjoy the company of the kids - to bring them out, to bring them to school, to play with the little one when she was happy - but how about those other times with the kids? When they were sulking; when they refused to eat; when they refused to do their work; when they were fighting one another; or like the little one - throwing tantrums and sticking to me like super glue - not even allowing me to go to the toilet, let alone to leave the bed for a minute. It was not that I minded doing all these, it was that I felt so lost without her by my side helping me with all these. Without her, I felt so weak and powerless and without her, I was reduced to a mere nothingness. I was so ashamed of my own weakness and how emotionally dependent I was on her. I knew I have to get out of this dependency; I knew I have to be strong; I knew I have to let go; I knew then that if I were to proceed with a life like that, I will be reduced to a nervous wreck. Then she came home. I was lying on the sofa and she carried the little one into the bedroom. I dozed off on the sofa. I did not know how long it was and I woke up, wondering what has happened to the little one. I went into the bed room and I saw her figure. Suddenly I woke up from my dream and realized that she was still around. I went into the toilet. Then I went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. As I sat on the sofa taking my medicine, she came out of the bed room and I saw her opened the main door, locked it and started the engine of her car. She was gone, without a glance or a word.