When I woke up it was already almost 8am. The little one was again very naughty as she wanted to stick with me all the while – refusing to let me be more than a meter away from her. I woke up the children and got them to prepare for their kumon classes. Then I called her – to confirm the time of her fetching the kids. She had told me that she would come at 2pm to pick up the kids. I called her but her mobile was off. I called again a couple of times but her mobile was still off. I was beginning to get worried. Each time when her mobile was not on and she was not contactable – it was always deliberate – and each time – something happened. The first time it happened, it was the night that she attempted suicide. And the second time it was the prelude to the first separation with her lover – she switched off her mobile so that I could not contact her. And the third time, again she was threatening to kill herself again. And the final time that it happened, it was just prior to their final separation. I brought the children for breakfast and I called her again. Her mobile was still not on. I tried his mobile instead and coincidentally it was also not on. And that again was a frightening similar scenario – that both of them were together and they would switch off their mobiles so that no one could reach them – it happened a couple of times already. I continued to call both their numbers every 10 minutes or so but each time I could not get them as both their mobile was off. It was a frightening thought and I thought I would go crazy. S remarked that I looked tired – that was a gross understatement. The children went for their kumon classes and I took the little one with me to the NTUC to buy some grocery. As I was struggling with the groceries and trying to carry the little one – I realized that she was not around – as each time when we went to the supermarket with the little one, she would carry the little one while I carried the groceries. I waited for the children to finish their kumon and in between I continued to call them but to no avail. Finally the children finished their kumon and we went home. I continued to call them. And at last at 2:15pm, coincidentally both their mobile responded with ringing tones! I could not believe that they were not together because it would be impossible for them to switch on their mobile with a minute of each other if they were not together. My heart was aching and I thought I felt a sharp pain. It was like history repeating itself and I shuddered at the thought of it. I felt that I would not have the energy to go through another episode. I felt like dying. If they are together again, death would be a release for me. But it was really a silly thought. I still have the children to take care; I still have to live on. I felt so lost and hopeless that for the first time I entertained the thought of hating her. I thought I had forgiven her and I thought my love for her would be enough to move her. But she was not moved at all. Time and again, she had betrayed and cheated me – promised to break off with him and each time she would resume the relationship again. And for the first time, I thought I really hated her for doing this to me yet again. I took a anti-depressant to calm my nerves. Then she called. At first I did not want to answer her call but in the end I still pick up her call. I asked her to come back as I wanted to talk to her. She came back and we went into the bed room to talk. I asked her where she was, she said she was at the office. I asked her why she did not on her mobile – she said that her mobile was not working and she was using another temporary mobile – she even showed me that mobile. It was all crap reason. She could not explain why her mobile was not on – even if it was a new mobile. She gave some crap reason that the mobile had a auto-off feature. But why she switched on at 2:15 pm and so coincidentally he switched on his mobile at the same time. She said that if I have any evidence of anything, I should present it – otherwise I should just shut-up and not accused her of anything. She made it such that I was a silly fool imagining things. I felt so completely lost that I was speechless. I really felt like a fool. I knew I had nothing and I knew everything was just my suspicions. But I have been proven right in the past and I knew I was right although there was no evidence. I knew then that if they are together – it would be out in the light sooner or later – it would be impossible to hide. Yes, she was denying it liked what she did in the past. Yet each time it was proven that she was lying. When I pointed that out to her – she said that that was in the past. I was again speechless. I knew I was lost, I was confused. I was so worried the whole morning – not being able to contact her that crazy thoughts had turned in my head. It was very unusual for her not to contact the kids on a Saturday morning and especially when she wanted to bring the children out in the afternoon. But I knew that was nothing more to say. She said she wanted to buy 4D and asked me to drive her to the booth. I did not know why but I actually put on my shirt and took the car key. And I drove her to the 4D booth! On the way there she spoke about watching live soccer at night with friends. When I asked her where she was going to watch the soccer business, she asked why I wanted to know. I remarked that in all the years she had been with me, she showed no interests in watching soccer – even on the TV and yet why now this sudden interest in watching soccer. She did not give a satisfactory answer. She wanted the whole family to go for dinner together again. We went to Upper East Coast road for beef noodles and thereafter to Hong Kong Café for desserts and tea/coffee. I was feeling terribly withdrawn and drained and did not speak much. Then we went home. We were watching TV, it was showing “Jiang Hu” on channel 61. It was almost 10pm and I was telling her if she was still watching soccer. She replied that if she liked to watch she will watch and if she did not like, she would not. It was none of my business. I was rather taken aback by this rudeness and I retreated to the bed room. Then after a while I came out to the living room again. She was still sitting at the sofa watching TV. I just sat on the floor. And then she made her move. I was a terrible day and night. I felt so emotionally drained but I could not sleep. I knew that I was not in control of my emotions and I hated myself for making the situation so tense. But I was quite hopeless. I was only human and was only able to do this much. Then she SMS me, telling me that each time she came back I would give her black face and interrogate her. She said that she had phobia coming back. And then it was the usual exchanges of SMS of how she would not turn back; that she wanted to be just friends with me and mother of the kids; and that everything was fate; that she do not know the reason for her change of feelings; that even if she had left him she could not find back the feelings for me; that I must let her go because she would not turn back; that love cannot be forced; that she is still loving someone very much and that someone is not me and because of that she could not have any more feelings for me. Despite all these, I knew what I wanted. I would not want to let go yet. I could not let go until I was ready to let go. I will not be ready until I was sure that my feelings for her are all gone. When I looked at her face (during dinner), I was wondering – what was in her that made me love her so much that I was willing to suffer so much for this woman that would continuously hurt me. I could not find any answer. And she was telling me to be just friends. How to be just friends when I had loved her for 17 years? How could I just walk away after all these years of love and still be friends? Then she mentioned fate. I know that I do not believe in fate, I believe in making my own future and happiness. I will not leave things to fate. And she said love cannot be forced. I did not force her to love me before and I do not force her to love me now. What I asked for was a chance to rediscover or to find the lost love. Then she used the ultimate weapon: that she is still in love with him and that is the reason why she cannot turn back. I knew then I cannot change her mind. Time will help and I have to let time make the decision for me. When the time is right, the truth will be revealed.