ALL OVER

I thought it was all over – I meant all the bad things had gone away and I can begin to heal my wound and start life a new. She promised a new beginning, she promised to rebuild the family and will try to nurture the lost love and affection. It all began very well indeed. A good beginning – she wanted to have dinner/supper with me. A smile broke over my face. It was a long day but I have most of the work tucked aside. I could not really concentrate and called it a day, taking some time off to pick you the second daughter from school. But the phone rang and there was desperation at the other side. It was that women. She asked me to call you. And I did. I did not know how many times but the phone rang and rang. I quickly got into the car and continued to call. All to no avail. And that bloody woman called her. I screamed at her. And I was shaking violently at the steering wheels. And still there was no response. In a flash of the moment, I thought I saw you flying, flying away. The thought was terrifying and I broke down as I the car shot forward. I do not know where I was heading to – to the west? And the fear deepened and deepened and he called. I could not care too much, I just wanted to find you. I drove alone aimlessly. At last your SMS came. You were OK but I knew you were not. And yet you refused to talk or see me. But what can I do? The woman that I love so dearly but clearly it was not meant to be. I was a nothingness to her, I didn’t matter to her. She would rather talk and confide with “him”. I knew then all was lost. And I continued to drive round and round. Occasionally, kept updated by “him” on the progress of the search. I drove to the east and then to the west. And then he SMS that he has found you. But I knew I have lost you. I parked my car, wind down the window and looked out. I was in desperation. What a pain, waiting. Although I knew exactly where you were I could not appear – that would made you hysterical. I knew that. And I waited silently in the car. It was the darkest moments of my life. I thought I would just rammed the car against the wall and end everything. But how could I be so selfish, what about the innocent children – it really pained me. I managed to get E at last and for a moment she seemed like my a savior to me. At least she listened to whatever little I have to say. It has a been so much more terrible for me because I had no one to talk to. And now even a stranger like E seemed god-send. After talking to her, I was calmer. The seconds seemed to pass so slowly. You have told me to meet at 9pm and now it was already 10pm and yet you still refuse to see or talk to me. I was too tired and not wanting to worry the children I drove home. I talked to the children as if nothing has happened. Tucked them to bed and I sat on the floor, looking at my mobile. I thought of what you were doing then. And then we SMS again. This time I was closer to desperation and when you told me that you will not be back for the night, I almost went ballistic. I was not myself and started to talk nonsense but it worked. You agreed to come home. It was the longest wait of my life. I sat at the street junction. 30 minutes seemed more like an hour. And at long last we met but he was there. You asked me to be calm. It must be a joke because I was very calm. Almost too calm – as If I was just bystander in the speactacle. I let them talk one by one but it was all incomprehensible. I tried to talk some sense but it did not work. You went hysterical as if the whole world has abandoned you and for him? I looked at him when you two were in conversation in the corner. I was a non existent. I was an extra in this epic love story. I was stood there motionless. I never knew how and why I did not snap. If fact, I was cool and calm that it frightened myself. You were mumbling and pulling the grass. You were shouting for him. And “him” – just stood there while you pulled his shirt and shook him. Again, I was a spectator as once every so often you would ask me to stand aside. I was calm because I knew I had to be if I wanted you to be safe and sound. There was no longer any pain but only a desire to see you through. When I looked at you and “him” I came to realized how this inevitable had happened. You are still the same possessive you and him, just like the lallang grasses, swaying from one side to another. The conclusion seemed clear but you never wanted to accept it. As I looked back at myself, I looked at a pitiful soul. A man who watched silently and powerlessly as his wife was willing to give up her life for another man. And the man? He could not give up his family. And I saw you and him still there, holding each other hands and never wanting to give up hope. And when you asked him if he love you, he actually answered yes. And it looked funny as I have to come between and tried to talk some sense. And then it was over. This time there were no hysteric. You were dead tired as I brought you home. I helped out take out your shoes, cleaned your face and your hands and tucked you to bed. I never knew I could do all this. I must salute myself.