Love is no longer there

It was past 6am and I woke up. I saw your shadows moving about the room and into the toilet and out. I stared onto the empty space. And I watched you. And again you looked like a stranger, you are not my wife because you just move around doing your things. I do not know why, tears welled up and rolled down my cheeks. And you were still there – a complete stranger. You did not come to check on me and you were out of the room. I went out of the room, hoping that you would see and at least acknowledge me. But no, you were gone. And I knew then that the pain has just begun. It will be a difficult journey in the rebuilding process and I have forget the pain. And I knew instinctively that I have lost you. You are no longer the woman I used to know and I knew it would be impossible for you to love me again. Everything you did was just for the children. If there were no children, I believed you would have walked out right away. I could not blame you, could I? I was part and parcel of the problem. We had not been talking and I have let the situation be out of control. As you said, every time we talked I would impose my view. I have driven you to desperation and now I am paying the price. The price of losing you. And I do not know if the price is too much for me to pay. But I knew then I had to be strong. Firstly, I have to help you get back on your feet again. I have to show concern and love and yet I have to be sensitive to your need for space. I was in the mood of resignation – resignation of the fact that the love was over – although the marriage may stay intact. You had wanted time to reflect on your life while you are away in Australia and I believe I know the answer now. I know you too well. You would want a new life perhaps but you would like to cling on to the kids. You would like me to take care of the kids. But it would be impossible and too much for me to bear. I do not know. But I believe I have more thinking to do. What I want out of life. And I believed that I was hurt so much that it would take a long time to heal. What I want? I can imagine. A home with 3 kids but the mother is gone, if not physically but spiritually. There is no longer any love from you. I cannot even touch you – I mean just to hug you and hold your hands.