The world before me

The world has taken its shape. For once, I initiated a straight-talk as I came to realize how our bickerings will come to naught. I thought how very smart I was, able to put together everything again – to put us on the right path. But it came, just like the Asian tsunami, almost without warning, almost a replica and it hit me like the real tsunami. I was shattered – bits and pieces of me flying around. I was totally helpless as tears streamed down my face. How was it possible that after so many years, even not as the most loving couples, how was it possible that my existence did not matter to her any more. Her tone was soft, almost to the point of extreme gentleness and I could not quite grasp it. She no longer had any feelings for me anymore and much less to talk and communicate to me. Those were her words. I could not get a hold on myself as I repeatedly wiped the tears away. And I wondered, if I did not initiate the straight-talk session, would the truth be known earlier? Oh! Only god will know. And the tsunami hit me again and again. I wanted very much to cry out loud, but I kept the grief within. It was at a public place and I could not possibly scream out loud. … And then we just went home, as if nothing had happened. At 11pm, she went out – going out for a spin. I stayed till almost 3am but she was still not back. I lay on the bed and tears welled up. But I must be strong and not cry out loud. The baby was sleeping beside me. I wept quietly till my eyes really hurt. And then I fell asleep. I was awakened by the SMS tone. SMS from someone strange that she was OK and was with E. I didn’t think too much as I went into dreamland again. And then I was awakened again by SMS again re-assuring me that all was OK. I didn’t know what got over me and I wished that the whole family was staying by the sea and we were all swept away by the tsunami – me and my three daughters. And I won’t have to suffer anymore and they won’t have to suffer with me. It was early in the morning and I SMS her to come home, the words I used “Please Please come home. I love you”. But it was not to be. It was all over. The sun brightened up the day but the day ahead of me never seemed more gloomy. I hardly had any sleep throughout the night and my eyes hurt. It was going to be a long day and what was ahead of me was tons and tons of work – everything seemed to stop – for me to make it moving. I was at the office that I received the call from her that she had an overdose of panadol and was in the hospital! It was really beyond me. I do not have an inkling what was ahead of me. But my intuition told me that something bad had happened. But the strong tone of her voice suggested that she cannot be too bad. As I remembered once when a friend had an overdose and was not able even to communicate properly until after 2 days later. I was needed because she had no clothes to change to. I was needed to bring her clothes. I was in the meeting and she kept calling non-stop. And I have to drop everything to bring clothes to her in the hospital. I saw her lying there on the bed. She looked strange to me – almost a stranger. She was moving further and further away from me – until she became a tiny dot. I could not figure her out. She looked strange and remote. She was not due for discharge but she insisted. I knew nothing in this world can make her change her mind. And we went home. I thought the worse was over and we can start all over again. My eyes hurt terribly and I fell asleep early. When I woke up – all were gone. The two daughters went to school and she had disappeared. After a night’s sleep my mind was clear. And I wondered why she took so many panadol and immediately after our straight-talk. What have I said to upset her? I was puzzled. And then suddenly a frightening thought flashed through my brain – was she having a man outside? We have been together for some 17 years and such a thought never entered my brain. I would think that it is impossible. But now, reality seemed to have shaken my confidence. I thought nothing of it and was thinking our best I can get her on the feet again and go through life again. Then I went to work. She called me that her medical was OK. No liver problem. I was relieved. And then I went into a meeting and the phone rang incessantly – some unknown numbers. But the caller seemed very insistent and I answered the call. It came from her colleague/friend – wanting to find her. It seemed strange – the first time her colleague/friend was looking for her through me. The meeting ended and I went for my medicals. And half-way through the phone rang again. This time the voice on the other side was loud, nervous and even frightening – warning me that my wife was having trouble at the office? What trouble I asked. None was forthcoming. What trouble I asked myself. The answer seemed obvious. That must be the other man’s wife or girlfriend. I shuddered at the thought but all the signs were clear. She told me her cock-bull story about covering up for her friend but I knew at once that she was the one in trouble. But I couldn’t press her for an answer. I just couldn’t force her into a corner and commit some stupid act. Her friend called, again telling me the cock-bull story as if I was a 3 year old kid. It only confirmed my suspicions. I went home and acted as if nothing had happened. But deep down inside I was terrified – terrified of the truth. She came back and as usual I couldn’t press for an answer. She was depressed and I couldn’t possibly push her too much. She must be left alone. A new day begun but I had a strange feeling. I felt as if a new life would begin. On the way to breakfast and back she was easily irritated and she went back to rest. But I wasn’t about to give up. She told me to meet her on Monday to sort things out. I thought why not now. And at last the truth was revealed. The most terrible truth has been revealed. The way she spoke it, ever so softly and gentle. I was a goner. I went to the toilet to cry but I could not cry out loud. The children were at home. I was numbed and took the kids out for a spin and as expected, she disappeared. And to me it disappeared for good.