The sunrise

It was a long long time that I had seen a actual sunrise, I meant that I specifically set aside a time to go to a specific location to watch the sunrise. It was so long that I could not even remember when it was. As a matter of fact, have I really watched an actual sunrise? But today, I decided to watch the sun rise. I took a long drive along ECP and then along the Changi coast. The sky was still dark when I parked my car. I walked towards to face the sea, the morning wind was strong and chilling. The waves were crashing onto the beach and slowly patches of orangeness started to appear on the sky – but there was no sun. And there was no sign of her. I remembered recently when I watched a TV show in which a couple, seemingly in utter bliss watched the sun rise together. How I wished then that I can do the same thing with her. And here I was watching the sun rise but she was not around. It was very difficult and painful and now I have to face this world alone – who can I talk to? I seemed so insignificant. She was gone and here I was alone, lonely and looking so lost. The sky brightened but the sun still did no appear. And she was gone. The cool wind was blowing hard and I gazed out to the sky. I wondered what I have done. I have not been alone for a long long time. If she wasn’t around, there were always the kids. But now, no one was around. I was all alone and I was lonely. And I thought of the many nights when she was out, how many nights have she spent staring at the on-rushing waves, how many nights in the company of someone else. And those nights, I was still lying in bed, totally ignorant of what has become of me. It really pained me. Seventeen years and this sense of betrayal, of the willingness to spend on what seemed like eternity to me, to do nothing but look out to the vast expense of the seas. I never knew she liked to do that. Working life was so tough that whatever time that she can get (or so I presumed) she would rather take a rest. But how many nights when the lights are out and she was not around at the house, she must have whittled away the hours. And me? I have lost those moments completely. And this was the real pain. The pain of knowing that one is no longer significant that the other half would rather spend time drinking, talking, chatting or even doing nothing then to be bothered with me. The sun now has appeared. And my life seemed like a dream. The sun came, and it evaporated even my last hope.