I did not know what to do

I woke up late, even for a Saturday morning. It already 8am when I woke up to wash up. The little one was already awake, lying on the floor and having her milk. It was a bit late for my morning walk but still I took to the walking as I did not want to break the routine. It was a quick walk and as usual I rested in the park. And again I thought about things and how I have arrived at where I was today. My moods and feelings have been up and down for the past couple of days. At times I felt so strong that I thought everything was behind me and what was ahead of me, together with my three kids, would be happiness. And at times, like today, I felt so weak and vulnerable that I wanted to cry again. Sitting at the bench, I stared out the sky and wondered about the long days ahead. If time could heal everything why was it moving so slowly? I was still there, still aching, still feeling the pain of the loss of my wife and my love. I thought the griefing was over but I was wrong. It came back again - the pain - when I thought of the happy times that we had for the past 16 or so years. I felt so weak today. Then sun was getting stronger and I have already resigned to my fate but why was I still feeling so sad? And then her SMS came and it broke my thoughts. She asked the usual routine stuff - like when the kids was going for kumon, breakfast and such. I wished she would stop and wanted to scream at her. But I did not. I appeared as calm as I could as I replied her. Told her that she can come anytime she wish to pick up the kids. And I made my way home. The little one was playing and S was already awake. I told her to go wash up while I went into F's room to wake her up. It was not very long and she came. The kids were all ready, dressed up and ready to go. And they were gone. I sat on the sofa trying to read the papers but I could not. Then she SMS again asking if I was OK as I looked troubled. I replied that I was OK but I knew it was a lie. I was not OK. I felt like crying and I was sad and wanted to grief. But I could not tell her all these and I have to pretend that everything was OK. I wanted so much to tell her that I missed her so much and that I love her forever and will wait for her to come back. But I knew those were just some silly thoughts. I lazed around for a while and then I took a walk to NTUC to buy something. On the way there, I saw her car parking in the corner. As I was walking back I saw the URA aunty walking towards her car. I quickened my steps and checked on her parking coupons and noticed that it had expired. I quickly bought a booklet and put up a coupon under her car's wiper and I walked away, on the way home. I was walking up the slope and I suddenly I saw her car shot passed me. It did not stop and it disappeared up the slope as I turned into the side road. I reached home and the little one was back for her lunch. But the other two kids were gone - she had brought them for their saturday outing. And I was left alone. It was one of those rare saturday that I was left alone with only the little one and the maid. I did not know what to do. I still hope that one day she will return. Am I hopelessly stupid?