I felt so hopeless and useless

We were suppose to meet up yesterday (Friday) to discuss about the details of our separation. But it did not happen as I was having a slight fever. I took 2 panadols and went to sleep. When I woke up, I SMSed her that I was OK and was ready to meet. But she was still in a meeting and arranged to meet today (Saturday). It was a usual Saturday monring, the children were still asleep when I woke up for my morning walk. After the walk, I read the papers and went to buy some grocery. When I was back the children were still sleeping. And I drove out to ran some other errands. Then she SMS me that she was back. I made my way home and she was there. The children had woken up and we went for breakfast. Then the children went for their Saturday classes while I sent the little one home together with the maid. And we went to the park to talk. I asked her if she had anything to say and she answered no. Then I told her that I could not possibly live a life like what I was doing. I cannot allow her to come everyday to the house – as and when she likes it. I wanted to restrict her access to the children to once a week on the weekend. She should not come in the morning and she should not come in the evening for dinner. The only concession that I allowed was that she can bring the children out during weekdays afternoon – to fetch the children back from school and have a short time with them. The children must be back by the evening for dinner at home. And since she has decided not to fight for custody she will no longer have a say in how the children are going to be brought up. And the access arrangment will be in place for some time – until such time that I am able to allow her more access. The other concession was that we will spend the Chinese New Year together and she should leave on the second night of the Chinese New Year. She cried but I felt there was a need for me to protect myself. I told her that it was not my intent to stop her from seeing the children. But I could not allow her to have complete unrestricted access to the children – especially when she just walk into the house and started to play with the children – treating me like a transparent object. And I told her that when I have cooled down and no longer have any feelings for her – and when the pain is gone – she will be able to see the children more often. Then we went home. I saw her lying on the bed. And I went to fetch the children home. It was a Saturday afternoon and we were suppose to do some Chinese New Year shopping – to buy clothes for the children and to get some Chinese New Year goodies. We were all dressed up and ready to go except for the eldest daughter F. She was still in a short and Tee-shirt and was sulking and refused to change. Her mother helped her to select her pants/skirts and top but none was suitable to her. And all these while I have been very patient. Then I stood up to warn her not to sulk and better get changed so that we can get going. Five minutes passed, 10 minutes passed then 30 minutes passed but she was still there. She had changed into a long skirt – but she was still complaining. I lost my cool. Told her to remove the skirt. And I went to the bedroom to get a scissors and cut her skirt into two. Then I looked at her and I broke down. It was too much for me to bear – all the hurt that has been bottling up – came rushing up to me and I broke down in front of her. At that moment I felt that life was not living and all the sufferings that I had have come to naught. And she broke down too and ran into the other room. And my wife went to console F but I heard her screaming at her mummy. I managed to regain my composure and went over to the other room. I looked at her and she came to me to hug me and cried on my shoulder. I apologized to her for shouting at her and I told her I love her and would not hurt her. She apologized too, she told me she did not know why she was behaving like that. She did not want it. Then I brought her to the toilet to wash up. And then we went out for our Chinese New Year shopping. Bought her 2 pants and a couple of tops and it cost over five hunderd dollars. My wife bought a top as well. But it was money well spent as I held F’s hand as we walked around the shopping centre. Then we had dinner. All that was happening in the afternoon was forgotten. We looked like a happy family. And after dinner, we went home. My wife did not stay for long in the house. After a shower, she was gone. And I pulled F into the study room to talk to her. I wanted to talk to her about her behavior in the afternoon. She refused to talked much and kept saying that she knew nothing and do not want to know anything. But I knew that she was aware of what happened to daddy and mommy and she was merely denying the problem. I told her it was not her fault that things have turned out this way. And I told her not worry and that I will love her and take care of her forever. She regained her composure and she went to watch TV. I called my wife. And she told me that she had spoken to F about the separation on Friday. And that was it. That explained her behaviour. It really pained me. I felt so hopeless and useless that I could not bring happiness to the family. And I have to make the children suffer. I was lost. Then I thought about my wife – how I wanted to see her everyday and yet I do not want to see her at all.