I must not see her again.

It was Sunday but to me it was the same. I went for my morning walk. When I came back, S was already awake and was watching TV. And I sat there reading the papers. Then the little one woke up as well and the maid made her milk and she was lying on the floor drinking her milk. Then she called asking if we wanted to go marketing. I was more than happy to oblige. She came over shortly and S went with us to the market. I felt so good – like the old days – nothing seemed to change as we went about our marketing routine. We even had breakfast at the coffee shop together. And I wish this would continue forever. We bought quite a lot of things in addition to the usual marketing for the week. We bought plants, mandarin oranges and even Chinese New Year goodies. And happily we made our way home. Nothing seemed to matter anymore and I was happy. As it was a Sunday, had to send the kids for their piano lessons. I sent F first and at the same time I went for my hair-cut. After my hair-cut I called her and she told me that she will be going out for coffee with a friend but said that she would be back for dinner. Somehow I did not feel good. While waiting for S to finish her piano lesson, went to Ice cube with F and we had ice-blast and calamari rings. I was happy to be with my daughter doing simple things. Then we rented some DVDs as well. When S had finished her lessons we went home and watched DVD. It was a hilarious show and myself and F enjoyed the show very much. Then F wanted to play computer game and went to the study room. I went in as well and took a rest on the bed. It was quite a while and I heard her voice and realized that she was already back. She came into the study room but did not speak to me. I was there lying on the bed staring at the blank wall. I was not my usual self and allowed my thoughts to run wilde. And I got up and went to the toilet. I saw her lying on the bed. When I got out of the toilet, she asked about dinner but I pretended not to hear it and went out for a walk to the park. I sat in the park for quite a while and then she SMS me, asking about dinner again. She wanted to pack dinner for the kids and the maid. Told her I was not in a mood to have dinner. Then she mentioned that she will not be staying for the night as her things was not with her and it would be too troublesome to bring all the things back. She will only come back to stay on Tuesday. I did not know why but my mood changed for the worse. And it became worse and worse as I kept taunting her with my incessant SMS. I knew it was stupid of me to do it but still I could not stop it. In one moment I was threatening to die and in the next I would be begging her to come back to stay with me. And it got worse and worse. I was quite hopeless. I was quite lost. Then I went home to check on the children. They were still not sleeping but nothing seemed amiss. I walked to the park again. And the taunting continued. I felt like staying out for the whole night. I SMS F, telling her to go to school herself the next day and told her that mommy and daddy would be separated (a fact that she already know) and that mommy no longer love daddy. And I told her to be a good girl. And then she tried to call me but I rejected the call. I wanted to be left alone but she did not leave me alone – she was screaming that F was crying and asked why I have to hurt my daughter. I SMS F and told her to go to sleep and re-assured her that daddy was OK and just needed some time to cool down. She replied OK. And the SMS exchange continued. Then I went home. F was still not asleep. I told her to go to sleep again and she went into her room. Then I went to check on the little one and she was still not sleeping. In fact she was crying and I carried her from the maid. I took her to the bed, trying to make her sleep but she refused. And it went on and on. After almost an hour, at last she was tired and slept on my shoulder. I put her gently down on the bed. Then I called her but her phone was off. I send her a couple of SMS but there were no response. It was going to be a long night. I looked at the little one, she was asleep. And I knew then that without her, I would not have the strength to live on. She is the inspiration of my life. And that calmed me down. And then suddenly she called. We were shouting but it was quite useless. We were not getting anywhere. She hung up the phone. Separation was the only option left and yet I was unwilling to let go. I cursed myself. I still could not let go, I still love her and long for her. And I knew that we must separate for good – I must not see her again.