I would be strong

Time has passed slowly and I thought that I have completely gotten over it. But it was not to be. After so many days of peace and calm, I snapped yesterday. It was a usual day - sending the children to school, playing with the little one and then going off to work myself. And out of the blue, she SMSed, to ask “How are the kids getting on without me at home in the night?” And then a flurry of SMS exchanges. When the question of the “decision” was brought up it was still the same “no change in decision”. In the first place there was no consideration for the decision at all – the decision was already made – to part for good. The only issue was when to break the news to the children. Was I stupid enough to think that there was still a thin thread of hope? I have thought that a one to two weeks of cooling down - so to speak – as agreed, will allow us to think and ponder over what we wanted to do. But in reality, there was no need to cool down and think because the decision was already made and there will be no change. And more, now she wanted the little one to “bunk” in with her when she is not travelling – what a request! I turned it down flatly. And she still wanted to send the kids to school every other day and come back for dinner as and when she like to. I have tolerated all these – so called – for the good of the kids – because they still get to see their mommy every so often. But it looked like she was already asking for more and more. I thought nothing of it and continued my work. It was a long day at work and when I reached home it was almost 8pm. The kids were already eating and I joined them for dinner. Then S mentioned that mommy took them out to Ice-cube in the afternoon for ice-cream and even bought something for me. And suddenly I felt so angry. She has decided to forgo the family and yet now and then she would appear out of nowhere to bring the children out – without asking me. I told them not to go out anymore without my permission – even with their mommy. And S asked why? I did not answer her. Then I SMSed her, lashing my anger at her. I believed I have lost my cool. And then suddenly she appeared at the door. But she did not look in my way or talk to me. She only wanted to play with the kids. She helped S with her Art Folio and carried the little one. And I was there, sitting like a zombie at the sofa. My existence did not matter. I was furious and SMSed her to get out of the house. The very sight of her infuriated me. Why was she treating us like this? Our house is not a zoo and the children are not pets that you would visit as and when you like. And even if it is a zoo, you would have to pay for ticket to get in. But in this case? She did not even tell me, she just come and go when she feels like it. I have been very accommodating to let her see the kids – as she said – as and when she wanted – everyday. But at the very least, she should have told me. And when she come into the house, she did not even bother to utter a single word to me or even take a single look at me. I was just a transparent object. And very quickly she left. I was very tired and took to the bed early. It was a bad night as I woke up numerous times. Each time having to check on the little one, she liked to kick the blanket away and each time I have to make sure that she was well covered. And around 2am, she woke up crying, sobbing softly. I put my arms around her and pat her on the back softly – and she went back to sleep. But I woke up a couple more times and each time I went back to sleep. It was a long night. Then it was the same routine again in the morning, sending the kids to school and doing my morning walk. SMSed her and wanted to settle the issue of separation once of for all as I do not think I can continue to live a life like that. And again, she gave the same reasons – as she did over the past 12 months – tired, busy with work, rushing to work, meetings, etc etc I believed I have suffered enough and I wanted to put all the sufferings behind. I wanted to move forward in life – without her – but she just could not leave me alone. She did not want anything to do with me and yet she appear before me every single day (almost). I reached home after my morning walk. As usual the maid was washing the car. When I got into the house the little one came rushing out of the room. Immediately I was happy. She called me “pa pa pa pa” and kissed me. She is the inspiration of my life. For the children and for the little one especially, I would be strong