Saturday, February 26, 2005
I would want readers where to tell me what is the problem.
Yes, my wife had an affair. The affair was gone as she had broken up with her lover and her lover had gone back to his family. Still she wanted to separate from me. I have accepted all these - albeit reluctantly.
I wanted to move on with life with my daughters. She asked for access to the children - and I have granted all that she asked for - including Friday overnight access to all the kids.
We have not been exactly on talking terms other than with regards to the children because she would not want to talk about our relationship and marriage - because as she said - it was all over. I have no problem with this. I did not try to initiate contact with her other when it is for the children or something official. And yet, she would try to contact or SMS me everyday - asking me how I was doing, showing me concern. And in a thinly veiled manner she was making some rather funny requests and even accussing me of "disturbing" my very own daughters with SMS. I just have an inkling that she was trying to drive me crazy, to make me mad, to make me lose my cool and temper so that she can justify her decision of leaving me?
Am I thinking too much? Or am I imagining things?
Should I just throw in the towel and admit defeat? This is what she wants?
And today, she is asking me to join them for a family dinner. Well, hopefully the taunting will not continue or I could be well on my road to Woodbridge.
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4 comments:
Hi A Simple Man
Ask yourself about her character. A person will not be 'wicked' or 'heartless' all of a sudden. There would always be an underlying reason. Ask yourself why did she behave this way? How did you handle her when she was unstable in the past? And how did your brain know how to handle her?
If she has been consistently unreasonable and bad (I guess you would know better, from the way she treats others and the family for the past years), then you could take it that she did those things on purpose.
If not, looking at your postings, it appears that she is very unstable. Her affair might be over but she could still be trying to 'find herself'. Unstable person does unstable things: from accusing you, being a pest, being unreasonable to being nice to you.
All these happen in less than 2 months. Have to remember that she is unstable when you go for dinner later.
Keep your cool. Remind yourself that all of us are with you.
a temporary complete break off from her might be a good idea. that should be your assumption going forward isn't it? because you can't live on a false pretense that she will come back to you one day, at least not at this stage. so you might as well get used to the idea that she is gone, that's that, period, end of story, move on.
as for her, as you really care about her and the assumption is both of you are going separate ways, it is also better for her not to be dependent on you, so she would also need to come to terms with reality that you might not always entertain her sms, that you have your own life now, independent of her.
don't let your irritation and annoyance of her continues to become anger or hatred. break off her for awhile, you need your breathing space.
Hi! Stumbled across your blog a week ago, have been clicking on it daily since.
I agree with Manchester about a break... A good place to start might be with the SMS-es, reply less often than you normally would, or not at all.
Hope you'll see a good day again soon, and, as a professor of mine used to say, keep yer chin up!
Dear Simple Man,
I have been following your posts for several weeks. Your experience has moved me.
I will give you my objective view of your wife's state of mind by correlating my own knowledge of divorce psychology with the information I have obtained from your blogg.
To understand her, try to place yourself in her shoes. Imagine you decided to separate from your wife. This is a big decision, but it only effects to people, you and your wife. Now once you’ve made the separation your life is completely upside down. Although you’ve succeed in sticking to your plan such a step changes so many things in your life that it can be hard to deal with. Now imagine that you wife didn’t care (we are still in the hypothetical). If your spouse does not care then what have you done? You’ve managed to upset your life while she’s moving one (still in the hypothetical).
Now, in you case. Your wife has left you. She has reasoned long and hard to make this decision. Yet it is still difficult. She now has to rebuild her life and everyday she has to give herself reasons to not return to the man who still loves her. Knowing that you are in pain gives her strength, it gives her the satisfaction of knowing that this is as hard on you as it is on her. She probably thinks about you much more than she would care to admit. This is why she SMSs you so often. She wants to know, how you are doing, because she wants to make sure she is doing alright.
When she first split from you she had a plan. She would stay with her lover; he would give her emotional support; and she would be happy because she ‘has someone’, while you are all alone. She would hope that you would hate her, get angry or act out of character in order to be able to allude to your reactions while reconsidering her decision to leave you. The devotion you have described in your posts has been extraordinary. This has not helped your wife in validating her betrayal, so she must move to lower maneuvers.
It appears now that she has decided to involve your kids in this feud. She has seen your late devotion to your children and may be a bit jealous. This occurs in many divorce situations. This is going to be a difficult time Mr. Simple Man and I can only give you one piece of advice. Do what is best for your kids. Although it may seem that this does not affect them as much it affects you, they will remember.
Your wife lost her lover so is now waiting for something new to come into her life to give her purpose. Once she finds something she will be able to pay you less attention. She may allow your divorce proceedings to become her focus for now. Prepare your case well and expect her argument to be unscrupulous. Think of the children when doing preparing your argument. She may begin to use them as weapons. You may not be able to avoid this but your personal relationship with your daughters will matter more to them that what is said about you. That she will always be their mother is the truth and it is best to allow them full access to her when they want to see her.
The road you must travel will not be an easy one, Mr. Simple Man. I will keep you in my prayers.
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