Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Feel so hopeless today
Well, the cycle is here again. I am terribly down again. And all because she broke my routine and brought the children out on a weeknight.
The children came back and they tried to speak to me. Somehow I ignored them. F was asking why I did not join them. What a question to ask. Didnt her mother told her that I was not invited? F said that mommy told her that I was working late and cannot join them. What a joke, what a lie!
I continued watching my TV and the children went to bed.
Then I started to organize my digital photographs again - to select some photographs for uploading to the web. It was all done but I was overwhelmed with this sense of loss. Suddenly I feel so lost and lonely as I looked at her photograph. She was smiling and I thought I could touch her.
Then I wrote a email, a email that I could not send to her, so I send to a email id (in her name) that I just created.
Subject: Missing you
dearest wifey,
It has been a very long two months for me and it has
been hell for me. I do not know how you have been
spending your time but my each passing day is filled
with emptiness and sadness.
Yes, sometimes I am able to get out of the depressive
cycles and yes sometimes I feel that I can really be
happy without you. But I know that my heart still
hurt a lot.
I really want to forgive and forget about everything -
just treat it like a bad dream - and start my life
with you all over again. But I know now it is now impossible -
the door to your heart is shut.
You know, yesterday night I had a dream. In my dream
I saw you and you told me that you wanted to be back
with me. And when I woke up, I realized that it was
just a dream - a very sweet dream.
I have been telling myself to move forward with my
life, to cast you aside and to concentrate all my
energies on the children. And at times, I thought that
I did so well and I was so strong. But tonight,
again, I feel a certain weakness. I missed you so
much today that I cried again. And I have not been
crying for more than a week.
The children are all asleep now and I am here, lonely
and missing you. I look through all the pictures of
you and I thought that I can touch your face again. I
really really miss you so much today.
You brought F and S out today - for dinner and to buy
them things. And when you sent them home, I saw your
car through the window. I did not see you. You did
not even come down from the car, you did not even look
in my way.
It is so painful now. I am still longing for you. My
heart is still aching. Oh my goodness, when will this
sadness end.
I really want to send you this email to ask you if
there is still a little hope for me; that you will
still give me a chance for me to win you back. But I
know I cannot send out this email. I must be patient.
I must wait. I have not suffer enough.
Now I put a picture of you on my mobile - so that I
can look at you all the time.
I know that one day you will come back. I am very
sure of this. But I don't know when is the one day.
Maybe it will be a year later, mayber 10 years later
or maybe till the day I die. I am very sure that one
day, you will come back to me.
I have tried very hard to fill my free time by
spending time with the kids. But as you know, like
yesterday, they refused to do anything. I realized
then that the kids will not be with me forever - they
will grow up, they will have their life, they still
have you and I can only occupy half of their hearts -
and the portion of their hearts that is reserved for me
will be getting smaller and smaller as they grow older
and older.
And when I am not working or not with the kids, I can
only think of you. Yes, every single second of my
free time - you would invade me - when I am driving,
when I am in the toilet, when I am taking my meals and
when I am doing nothing. It has been 2 months already
and I still cannot get out of this, I still cannot
stop thinking about you.
I know I am very silly. I know that I can be happy
and I can choose to be happy. But now I choose to be
sad, I choose to believe that you will come back.
I am really very silly. You know, I actually created
a new yahoo email in your name tonight so that I can
send this email. I just want to send this email and
you will not be reading it because you do not know
this new yahoo email id exist.
It is almost 2am now. I will have to go to bed soon.
I will be sleeping with the little one, my cute little
one. It is a little happiness for me.
Bye now.
Love you forever,
your hubby
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4 comments:
Hi,
I think you need some help. The marriage counselling may not be working for you. Think so many of us out here who have been talking to you or listening to you would have hoped that you would get better. I am short of saying, snap out of it, but I can't because you must be still hurting deep inside.
But I just want you to know that you must be strong and not be weak, its not helping you. So many things that we have been saying to you to cheer you on and march you on isn't working, in fact, I am also a bit disappointed. Sometimes, I come to your blog hoping to at least see some hint of recovery, but you are deeping yourself into the big hole deeper and deeper.
It is really not helping youself. It will not work this way. Maybe I am heartless to say all these, but I think you need to wake up and splash some cold water on your face. So what if the woman is coming back to your life next time and work it with you, if it happens. You can just sit here and rot your whole life away until that happens.
Please be fair to yourself. You are not taking care of yourself properly by feeling negative for so long. It's tough, but its been 2 months, you really need to learn to get out of his dark hole.
I thought you were getting better, but after reading your blog about you creating an email address to send to yourself (wife) is really freaky.
You psychological state is very weak now. Please seek help if you need to. And...sigh, I guess, there is also no point in some of us cheering you on and trying to talk you into feeling better and positive, cause you simply refuse to help yourself. I think I will leave your blog for a while now, and maybe come back in half a years' time hoping that I can see you as a different person and a happier soul for yourself.
As much as it hurts, remember to cherish what you have and not dwell on what you have lost. Cherish what you still have and don't waste your time on the loss and feeling sorry for yourself about it. I do not see the other woman feeling sorry for you.
There are many others who are in worse state than some of us. Some lose their whole family in Tsunami. Some lose their spouse to cancers. Some, like me, lost my child. OK, I can compare until the cows come home, but what I am trying to say is, pull yourself together and face it like a man. Wallowing in self-pity will not help. Understandable that all of us would do it, but not for so long. Get out of this rut.
anonymous,
I agree totally with what you have said without any reservation.
You are right on all accounts.
I am still me. I will probably stop blogging here for a while as it is quite useless anyway.
Hi simple man,
I'm really concerned about your roller coaster emotions. Do you think it is better if you suggest to the woman to leave you guys alone for a month. My opinion is that it is only fair. During this month, you can really sort out your life.
Be firm towards her, dun give in to her that much. Let her know that she is the one who made the decision, she should bear the consequences.
1) Stop trying to show concern to you.
2) Give you guys a break
3) She is not allowed to come and go as she wish
and many more.
Let her understand that you are not requesting all these terms to spite her but you need time to get over her and sort things out. Let her know that it is difficult for you to stop thinking of her. If she wants to redeem herself, the least she can do now is to leave you alone.
ALl the best to you
this is the recovery period.
whether or not you guys will be together. i know you will stand strong. =)
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