The Last eMail

I sent you the last email (or so I thought it would be the last) as follows: ks, This shall be my last email to you. I will say whatever I want to say and leave everything to you. I will not write any email to you anymore - maybe 1 more - just before I die. Anyway, I believe there is nothing more of me in you and you will probably happily delete my email. I want to tell you that it has been the worst week for me - for the last 10 days or so. And it has been getting worse by the day. But now, today after the outburst, I am calm now. I have been so hurt during the past days that sometimes I just burst out crying for no apparent reason - when I was driving or when I was alone. And can't you imagine when I was with the 3 kids? The pain is unimaginable. I am only human and I cannot only suffer this much. In fact, I have been suppressing the pain because I have not face it squarely. My only concern then was for you to get over your ordeal and get on with life. Now that you are standing on your own; now that you are calm and collected, I can no longer hold my own. I apologized for the outbursts but as it showed, I am only human, however strong I want myself to believe I am. And now, I am calm and the heart dead. It stopped feeling and I have no more tears to cry. I no longer have any hope of any reconcilliation. I have written my own death sentence. But you don't have to worry. I won't die so easily. I am just giving up the thought and hope of us being together - in fact all the while I knew it is impossible - but I was stupid enough to believe that it is possible. My thoughts are clear. I have cancelled my trip. And I don't need any more time to cool down. To me, another chapter of my life has begun. I will now dedicate my life to my three children. I will look after them to the best of my ability. I will. I will. As for you, I won't talk or think about love. You are just someone that I cared for. I will treat you like a friend - you are probably my only friend. I will not bother you any more with my nonsense, I will not. I have not face the pain and I have not recognized the fact that all is over between us. I do not know what the future holds for us - I mean between us and the children. We are still parents of our children and that is all. I have not thought about the practical aspect of our relationship - how are we suppose to live together and pretending nothing has happen. I know now I can because you are nothing to me. I cannot love you and will not love you. But I suppose we don't have to rush. You can avoid seeing me and you should not move away unless you don't want to see me. I don't intend to tell the children anything - not now and not in the forseeable future. Words are superflous now. There is no need to talk too much. I will see you on friday. And as usual, life goes on. I am still me. loveless, you ex-huband.