It has been almost a year

It has been almost a year since I last posted here. I had said that I have moved on to another blog in multiply. True, I have a new blog but today I feel this urge to post here. This blog that has been left alone, a dying blog, and today I feel this need to write something here. It has been good. What a difference a year has made. I am largely happy - in fact I cannot be more happier. I am doing so many things that I always wanted to do and never did - the family committments had always tied me down. I climbed a mountain last year. I took my regular walk and almost ritual weekly trekking around Bukit Timah and Macritchie. And I made new friends. Being a single parent has been great. I never feel so loved in my life before - the love that my children are giving me. I can feel it almost every living moment - even as I was working. And in recent weeks, I found a new found joy - the joy of freedom. Suddenly it dawned upon me how wonderful life has been. Now, the best thing about being single again is that there is no one to nag at me. I make all the decisions; I can come home anytime I like. It is just wonderful being able to totally control my life. And I can date again! Just the thought of dating without the pressure is so up lifting. I know there is no pressure because I am not looking for a partner - I am just looking for people to spend some time with me - be it a dinner, a movie or just a little conversation. I know I have left everything behind. Life is good and I look forward to greater days ahead.

Nirvana

In case anyone is still following this blog, just to let everyone know that I have at last found the inner peace to move forward in life. I have let her go, not only physically but emotionally as well. I am happy now and living a new life. Love is no longer a cruel thing. Happiness is a choice. You too can choose to be happy. As I have shared, I have a new blog at: simpleman.multiply.com

The Final Cut

"Finally, I understand the feelings of the few ashes and diamonds foes and friends we are all equal in the end pink floyd" This will officially be my final writing here. It has served its purpose and it had allowed me to express myself - my highs and lows - the emotional journey that I had travelled to arrive at what I am today. I know what I am going through is probably very insignificant to the world at large - with the tsunami disaster, with the conflicts still in the middle east, or even to the poor and unfortunate we have here in singapore. But still it is a personal tragedy for me, it does not stop the world from spinning but it did stop my world from spinning regularly and correctly. The sun still rises in the east but to me it is a different sun. From a different perspective, I am still very much a fortunate being and rightly so I should be savouring on what I have rather than focusing on what I have lost. I have gone through all these, I know what I should be doing and how I should be moving but at the end I am still me. I am still being entangled by this web of emotions that may from time to time invade my sense of being. But I know, the downs are getting lesser and lesser and perhaps only time can really heal this wound. I am not running away. As I said, happiness is a choice. And everyday I can choose to be happy or sad. Most days, I would choose to be happy but at times, in a moment of weakness, sadness is a choice because sadness brings me closer to her. But these are fleeting moments and it passes quickly and immediately when I wrote the blog and released the emotions. It does not serve any purpose to anyone. Even I am disgusted with my own depressing words. And rightly so, life moves on. I have also move to another blog. This new blog is about my new life. I am starting on with digital photography - a hobby I picked up late last year. I am going to start to learn to cook - for my children. And I will re-discover old hobby and do new things. Reading, writing, mahjong, golf, bowling, soccer, movies, watching sports programme or whatever - or even re-living old past times like doing mathematical puzzles, exploring philosophy, writing computer programs or even doing nothing. And I should get my bicycle repaired, get a new pair of inline skates and go skating with my kids. Or should I trained for the next marathon? The list is endless. If you care, visit my new blog at: http://simpleman.multiply.com It is pretty bare now there but I will filled it up with my new life. See you there!

Feel so hopeless today

Well, the cycle is here again. I am terribly down again. And all because she broke my routine and brought the children out on a weeknight. The children came back and they tried to speak to me. Somehow I ignored them. F was asking why I did not join them. What a question to ask. Didnt her mother told her that I was not invited? F said that mommy told her that I was working late and cannot join them. What a joke, what a lie! I continued watching my TV and the children went to bed. Then I started to organize my digital photographs again - to select some photographs for uploading to the web. It was all done but I was overwhelmed with this sense of loss. Suddenly I feel so lost and lonely as I looked at her photograph. She was smiling and I thought I could touch her. Then I wrote a email, a email that I could not send to her, so I send to a email id (in her name) that I just created. Subject: Missing you dearest wifey, It has been a very long two months for me and it has been hell for me. I do not know how you have been spending your time but my each passing day is filled with emptiness and sadness. Yes, sometimes I am able to get out of the depressive cycles and yes sometimes I feel that I can really be happy without you. But I know that my heart still hurt a lot. I really want to forgive and forget about everything - just treat it like a bad dream - and start my life with you all over again. But I know now it is now impossible - the door to your heart is shut. You know, yesterday night I had a dream. In my dream I saw you and you told me that you wanted to be back with me. And when I woke up, I realized that it was just a dream - a very sweet dream. I have been telling myself to move forward with my life, to cast you aside and to concentrate all my energies on the children. And at times, I thought that I did so well and I was so strong. But tonight, again, I feel a certain weakness. I missed you so much today that I cried again. And I have not been crying for more than a week. The children are all asleep now and I am here, lonely and missing you. I look through all the pictures of you and I thought that I can touch your face again. I really really miss you so much today. You brought F and S out today - for dinner and to buy them things. And when you sent them home, I saw your car through the window. I did not see you. You did not even come down from the car, you did not even look in my way. It is so painful now. I am still longing for you. My heart is still aching. Oh my goodness, when will this sadness end. I really want to send you this email to ask you if there is still a little hope for me; that you will still give me a chance for me to win you back. But I know I cannot send out this email. I must be patient. I must wait. I have not suffer enough. Now I put a picture of you on my mobile - so that I can look at you all the time. I know that one day you will come back. I am very sure of this. But I don't know when is the one day. Maybe it will be a year later, mayber 10 years later or maybe till the day I die. I am very sure that one day, you will come back to me. I have tried very hard to fill my free time by spending time with the kids. But as you know, like yesterday, they refused to do anything. I realized then that the kids will not be with me forever - they will grow up, they will have their life, they still have you and I can only occupy half of their hearts - and the portion of their hearts that is reserved for me will be getting smaller and smaller as they grow older and older. And when I am not working or not with the kids, I can only think of you. Yes, every single second of my free time - you would invade me - when I am driving, when I am in the toilet, when I am taking my meals and when I am doing nothing. It has been 2 months already and I still cannot get out of this, I still cannot stop thinking about you. I know I am very silly. I know that I can be happy and I can choose to be happy. But now I choose to be sad, I choose to believe that you will come back. I am really very silly. You know, I actually created a new yahoo email in your name tonight so that I can send this email. I just want to send this email and you will not be reading it because you do not know this new yahoo email id exist. It is almost 2am now. I will have to go to bed soon. I will be sleeping with the little one, my cute little one. It is a little happiness for me. Bye now. Love you forever, your hubby

The school holiday had started. I did not wake up early as there wasnt a need to send the kids to school. I managed to catch some precious sleep and when I got to work it was already 9 plus. As usual for a Monday, it was a long day at work. I did not even have time to call or SMS the children. While I was in a meeting in the afternoon, she SMSed me instead. She asked if she could bring the children out at 6pm for movies and will bring them back before 12 midnight. I paused for a while. I was thinking of how I should respond to this request. Then I SMS F asking her if it was true that she was going movies with mummy at 6pm and she replied "YES". However, on further questioning as to why she wanted to go movies today when she refused to watch movie on sunday, she replied that actually she did not want to watch movie and only wanted to buy something. I replied to her that it was OK to bring the kids out. Then she asked me to settle my own dinner as she had asked the maid not to cook. I was feeling a trifle uncomfortable. Now, she had her access to the children on the weekend - this was agreed - and it was not my fault if the children did not want to go out. And on weekdays, she is always welcome to be back for dinner. As for me, after a long day work, I look forward to having dinner with my children, when I can talk to them and connect with them. And now she actually wanted to break my "this routine" and take the children out. OK now that was fine and she even told the maid not to cook dinner and I have to eat out! How ridiculous that can be? I told her "NO", the maid will still cook and since they are not watching movies (as told by F), the children should take their dinner first before going out. And she said that she actually wanted to bring the children out for dinner. I did not say anything. But I was feeling like "Oh shit". I was getting on well with my life, having my routine all worked out, even getting use to the idea of spending the Friday night and part of saturday without the kids. At least, I have the children with me from Sunday to Thurday. And now she had to do something to break my routine. And what can I do? I have to re-adjust my routine again and life is not getting easier. I really need to plan for myself a life without the kids - just like tonight - where can I go? I really need to have some friends badly. So, I just drove around for a while and when I got home finally, it was 7.30pm. I ate my dinner and fortunately the little one was around and she kissed me when she saw me. Then I switched on the TV to watch.

Really find it harder and harder to blog - to write about the daily events and where I am heading to. And it must be a good sign. I was terribly bored today. The children refused to do anything or to go out and without her, I was bored to the bones. I tried to organize my photographs but after a while I gave up. Wanted to do some video editing but then again did not even have the energy to start. In the end I did nothing. Watched some TV - highlights of Champions League soccer and some chinese drama. And did a bit of chatting on the net. I was bored but I guessed it was better to be bored than sad. In the evening took the children to the park. The little one was happy out in the park. I brought my video camera and my digital camera and managed to shoot some footages and some photographs. But it was a boring day. I really need to find a new outlet in life.

Just had a feeling that she was getting ridiculous and starting to get on my nerves. While I was working this morning, and out of nowhere and suddenly I received such a SMS: "Sorry last nite drank too much with customer. Got handover this morn. couldnt wake up in time to fetch them to school" The message did not make any sense to me and I decided to ignore it. But she persisted: "You are angry rt?" She asked. I was utterly lost. I meant I was not angry and I has no intention of wanting to know what happen to her. Fetching the children to school was her rrequest and if she did not turn up, I will send them to school - not an issue at all. And anyway it was Friday and she was not suppose to send the children to school anyway. So it really did not make any sense to send me such a SMS and worse, assuming that I will be angry??? And I replied her: "Alamak. Why should I be angry? Pl dun taunt me anymore" "For the record. I was never angry with u. I never hated u. I never wanted to make u feel bad. I am still struggling. I can only blame myself for what I am today" And she replied in chinese a "Sorry" And then she said: "Cant we remain as good frens?" I did not answer her. I was finding it a bit ridiculous. After what had happened now she wanted was to be good friends with me? So that she can continue to talk to me, to SMS me, to ask me for help or whatver? And continue to hurt me? I was really lost but I knew at this point in time it would not be possible for me to treat her like a good friend. It really hurt me too much. The only way for me to remain sane is to not to feel anything. Wasnt it too selfish of her to ask me to be her good friends after what had happened? Maybe I should start to ignore her.

After two days on inaction, she at last SMSed me. "Is everything ok with you? This morning you haven woken up when i pick up S" I was wondering how I should answer this question. Should I tell the truth or should I just tell a lie and said that everything was OK? I decided on the truth and I replied: "How am I suppose to tell u? I am still badly affected and will be so but I still need to live on for the kids." "Sometimes I wonder how are u getting on. Are u really happy with this? Dun you miss the kids? I know life will never be the same for me. It won't be me. I won't be happy. Living only 4 kids. And then she replied: "I miss the kids. I have been calling them and always look forward to see them if I finish my work" "I have no more feelings anymore. I am sorry I caused u misery" "Tell me how then will you be happy again apart from having me back" "Pl tell me tt you can get over me. Do you think you shd see a doctor or start expanding ur social circle?" And I replied: "It has been more than a month now. Time really move so slowly. Just wish time can move faster and the kids can grow up quickly so that I can be released from this misery" "I won't wish or want anything. As u said like a zombie that is the life I have been living" Then she really hit on my nerves by replying: "You want me to feel bad only right?" I really wanted then to ask her to fuck off. After all the sufferings that I have gone through, she was still thinkging that I wanted her to feel bad by telling her all these. In the first place, I did not want to tell her all these. I did not SMS her, I did not pester her, I was just being myself. She wanted to know how I felt and I told her my feelings. And she was thinking that I was trying to make her feel bad? How about me? As if I was feeling damn good. But I did not tell her off. I told myself that I must not lose my cool, I must feel detached and I replied: "Till this day u are still thinking of me in terms of me wanting u to feel bad. It is ok. U suppose I should be happy?" After a long pause, she replied: "Sorry. Last time you said tt you will move on as long as i m happy" At this point again, I was getting a bit angry. Talking about last time. The last time she told me that she loved me; the last time she said that she wanted to walk the remaining years of her life with me; the last time she said she wanted to rebuild the marriage. And she was still talking about the last time, about the past. Anyway, I was not about to lose my cool. I remained extremely calm and replied: "Why are u sending me all these sms. I have move on. I have not disturb u. I may not be happy. I have not try to change u. So u should not be telling me how to live." And it was a very long pause of more than 1 hour before she replied: "Sorry. Just concern. sigh" And that was the end of the SMSes exchanges. At the end of it I did not feel anything. I was also amazed that I was able to keep my cool and my emotions in check. The day still has to move on. Life is still moving on.

This morning I woke up late. F was not going to school as she needed to go the the nearby stadium for some sports activity and she was sending S to school. I woke up almost at 9am and the little one was beside me. She gave me the most gorgeous smile I had seen - and then she kissed me. And it really melted my heart to kiss and hug her. Then I wondered if she knows what she is missing - those wonderful times we had with our growing kids. But I was there for the little one, every morning when she woke up, I was there beside her and the feeling cannot be described my mere words alone.

Just noticed that I have not blogged for a day or two - and that is good because I had nothing to blog about. The past two days had been good. I was busy with work and I did not think or try to think too much. There were the occasional SMSes from her - here and there - but by and large I am going on with my routine. The other reason that there is nothing to blog about because everything has fallen into place, into a routine so repeatable that it is not worth to write about. Maybe the weekend will stir up something but for now, I am happy with what I have. She can do whatever she wanted, there is nothing I can do about it but I can do what I want. This is life. Am I on the my own road to freedom or am I still still dreaming?

It was a bad day yesterday. All the hard work that I had put in for the past few weeks seemed to be wasted as I seemed to slip into the state of depression that I was in 6 weeks ago. At times when I felt that I was so strong and be able to move on, yesterday I felt so weak and powerless - almost to the break point. I supposed all these come in cycles but I was surprised at my very own weakness just after the episode over the weekend. Perhaps all these while I was just putting up a brave front - in essence I was nothing but a weakling. I did not know why but her presence and absence both have an enormous impact on me. Yesterday she was not around, she did not even call or SMS - not me and not even the kids. After dinner the two children went to their work. And the little one was at her worst - throwing a very bad tantrum. She was screaming and wailing and seemed intent on doing so to gain attention. I let her screamed for a while and until she broke down to cry then I carried and consoled her. I was checking on my letters and then I realized that the little one was carrying a cup of orange juice and spilling all over the place. I immediately screamed for S, telling her to take her orange juice and told reprimanded her for leaving her orange juice lying around. Then I screamed for the maid to clean up the place. I was then helping F with her maths. The maid was sweeping the floor and then the little one came again - this time wanted to take over the broom from the maid to sweep the floor. The maid did not give in to her and she was again rolling and the floor and screaming. I was at my breaking point as I went over to carry her and I brought her to the bedroom. I did not know why but I felt so lost with the burden of the three kids and I felt so lost because she was not around to help. I called her immediately and screamed at her - telling her that as much as she wanted out, as much as she wanted me to carry on with the kids while she can concentrate on her work, I would also have that right as well. I told her that I was going on to try for another month, and if everything did not work out, I was looking at the option of moving out as well - leaving the three kids to her. I knew it was crazy for me to say such things. I knew I very much wanted to be with the kids and I knew how much I wanted her to be there with me for the kids. But she did not want that - she only wanted to enjoy the company of the kids - to bring them out, to bring them to school, to play with the little one when she was happy - but how about those other times with the kids? When they were sulking; when they refused to eat; when they refused to do their work; when they were fighting one another; or like the little one - throwing tantrums and sticking to me like super glue - not even allowing me to go to the toilet, let alone to leave the bed for a minute. It was not that I minded doing all these, it was that I felt so lost without her by my side helping me with all these. Without her, I felt so weak and powerless and without her, I was reduced to a mere nothingness. I was so ashamed of my own weakness and how emotionally dependent I was on her. I knew I have to get out of this dependency; I knew I have to be strong; I knew I have to let go; I knew then that if I were to proceed with a life like that, I will be reduced to a nervous wreck. Then she came home. I was lying on the sofa and she carried the little one into the bedroom. I dozed off on the sofa. I did not know how long it was and I woke up, wondering what has happened to the little one. I went into the bed room and I saw her figure. Suddenly I woke up from my dream and realized that she was still around. I went into the toilet. Then I went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. As I sat on the sofa taking my medicine, she came out of the bed room and I saw her opened the main door, locked it and started the engine of her car. She was gone, without a glance or a word.

I have not woke up so late for quite a while - and today when I woke up it was already 9.30am. It was pouring outside and the sound of the rain hitting the roof and the window could he heard very distinctly. The little one also woke up at the same time and when she opened her eyes, she smiled at me and then kissed me. And S woke up as well and I asked her to go wash up. The market was not opened as it was under renovation and we had to do our marketing at the super market instead and hence there was no need to rush for marketing. Anyway, it was raining heavily. I woke up F and the maid made breakfast for them. Then she called and told me that she was at the market (near the guan yin temple) and did some marketing for us. I sat at the sofa to read the Sunday's papers while the children went about doing their stuff. Then she came and brought the marketing that she did for us. She said she bought some fishes and vegetables (limited) - no pork and chicken. Then she gave me a mandarin orange and a red packet (with coins inside) - supposedly for peace and luck. She insisted that I must put the red packet in my wallet as she had queued for a long time to get it. I ignored her and put the red packet aside. Then she left. I got the children to get ready to go to the supermarket. We went to buy pork ribs, chicken parts, some more fishes, some vegetables as well as ingredients for making muffin and cakes. Then we had lunch outside. We went home and F started to bake the muffins. It tasted nice but was a trifle too dry - but a very commendable effort for the first try. The children worked on their stuff and was waiting for their mother to bring them for swimming. I was doing nothing but chatting on the computer - just to kill time. The she came to fetch the children for swimming. I continued to work on the computer. It was close to 8pm and I got the maid to wash up the little one while I went to get dinner for the maid. I have no appetite for any dinner. While walking out, S called and asked what I wanted for dinner (mother was asking, she said). I told her that anything will do. I bought Mee Rebus for the maid and the little one - now already washed up - was all raring to go out. They came back and she suggested to go to Cartel for dinner. I told her I have no appetite and her face turned black - telling me why I did not tell her earlier and she would have settle their dinner outside rather than wasting time bringing them over for dinner. Sensing her growing anger, I agreed to the dinner. I was not feeling very fantastic during the dinner. And S remarked that why I looked so sad and quiet. I told her to eat her dinner. I ordered a black pepper pork ribs - and the portion was humongous. The little one was at he naughty best again and she had to carry her out to pacify the little one. And F was at her conversational best - telling me all about her stuff at school. And I took over her MP3 player to listen to her Jay Chou's music. Then she told me that all her classmates never talked about their fathers because their fathers never spoke to them. F said I was different as I like to speak with her and hear her talk about her school stuff. Then I asked her why she was so chatty and she remarked that it was because I liked to talk to her and liked her to be chatty. After dinner, we went home. When we reached home, the little one was very grouchy - insisting on playing with her mother's phone. When the phone was taken away from her, she became hysterical - rolling and crawling on the floor and screaming out loud and crying hysterically at the same time. It was quite a scene and we never saw her on such hysterical mood before. My wife remarked how was it possible that she became so "bad". I tried to cool her down, instead of cooling down, she bit me on my right arm. And the little one got worse, she crawled under the sofa, thrusting her head under the sofa. S tried to cheer her up and I told S not to bother about the little one. S got angry and went to the other end. I pulled the little one from under the sofa and hugged her - her hysterics stopped but she was still crying. I let her play with my mobile and she stopped crying. I asked S to come over and hugged her and asked her to sleep early. The little one grew jealous, put aside my mobile and started to cry and wanted me to hug her as well. S went to sleep and I carried and hugged the little one to stop her crying. All these while, she just sat still at the sofa - watching me handling the kids. Then she left as she said that she had a lot of work to settle. The little one stopped crying and I got the maid to make her milk and put her to bed. It was a long day. And still I needed to help F with her maths. And I played some of F's Jay Chou music and we both sang to the tune and lyrics. It was already late and I asked F to go to sleep.

When I woke up it was already almost 8am. The little one was again very naughty as she wanted to stick with me all the while – refusing to let me be more than a meter away from her. I woke up the children and got them to prepare for their kumon classes. Then I called her – to confirm the time of her fetching the kids. She had told me that she would come at 2pm to pick up the kids. I called her but her mobile was off. I called again a couple of times but her mobile was still off. I was beginning to get worried. Each time when her mobile was not on and she was not contactable – it was always deliberate – and each time – something happened. The first time it happened, it was the night that she attempted suicide. And the second time it was the prelude to the first separation with her lover – she switched off her mobile so that I could not contact her. And the third time, again she was threatening to kill herself again. And the final time that it happened, it was just prior to their final separation. I brought the children for breakfast and I called her again. Her mobile was still not on. I tried his mobile instead and coincidentally it was also not on. And that again was a frightening similar scenario – that both of them were together and they would switch off their mobiles so that no one could reach them – it happened a couple of times already. I continued to call both their numbers every 10 minutes or so but each time I could not get them as both their mobile was off. It was a frightening thought and I thought I would go crazy. S remarked that I looked tired – that was a gross understatement. The children went for their kumon classes and I took the little one with me to the NTUC to buy some grocery. As I was struggling with the groceries and trying to carry the little one – I realized that she was not around – as each time when we went to the supermarket with the little one, she would carry the little one while I carried the groceries. I waited for the children to finish their kumon and in between I continued to call them but to no avail. Finally the children finished their kumon and we went home. I continued to call them. And at last at 2:15pm, coincidentally both their mobile responded with ringing tones! I could not believe that they were not together because it would be impossible for them to switch on their mobile with a minute of each other if they were not together. My heart was aching and I thought I felt a sharp pain. It was like history repeating itself and I shuddered at the thought of it. I felt that I would not have the energy to go through another episode. I felt like dying. If they are together again, death would be a release for me. But it was really a silly thought. I still have the children to take care; I still have to live on. I felt so lost and hopeless that for the first time I entertained the thought of hating her. I thought I had forgiven her and I thought my love for her would be enough to move her. But she was not moved at all. Time and again, she had betrayed and cheated me – promised to break off with him and each time she would resume the relationship again. And for the first time, I thought I really hated her for doing this to me yet again. I took a anti-depressant to calm my nerves. Then she called. At first I did not want to answer her call but in the end I still pick up her call. I asked her to come back as I wanted to talk to her. She came back and we went into the bed room to talk. I asked her where she was, she said she was at the office. I asked her why she did not on her mobile – she said that her mobile was not working and she was using another temporary mobile – she even showed me that mobile. It was all crap reason. She could not explain why her mobile was not on – even if it was a new mobile. She gave some crap reason that the mobile had a auto-off feature. But why she switched on at 2:15 pm and so coincidentally he switched on his mobile at the same time. She said that if I have any evidence of anything, I should present it – otherwise I should just shut-up and not accused her of anything. She made it such that I was a silly fool imagining things. I felt so completely lost that I was speechless. I really felt like a fool. I knew I had nothing and I knew everything was just my suspicions. But I have been proven right in the past and I knew I was right although there was no evidence. I knew then that if they are together – it would be out in the light sooner or later – it would be impossible to hide. Yes, she was denying it liked what she did in the past. Yet each time it was proven that she was lying. When I pointed that out to her – she said that that was in the past. I was again speechless. I knew I was lost, I was confused. I was so worried the whole morning – not being able to contact her that crazy thoughts had turned in my head. It was very unusual for her not to contact the kids on a Saturday morning and especially when she wanted to bring the children out in the afternoon. But I knew that was nothing more to say. She said she wanted to buy 4D and asked me to drive her to the booth. I did not know why but I actually put on my shirt and took the car key. And I drove her to the 4D booth! On the way there she spoke about watching live soccer at night with friends. When I asked her where she was going to watch the soccer business, she asked why I wanted to know. I remarked that in all the years she had been with me, she showed no interests in watching soccer – even on the TV and yet why now this sudden interest in watching soccer. She did not give a satisfactory answer. She wanted the whole family to go for dinner together again. We went to Upper East Coast road for beef noodles and thereafter to Hong Kong Café for desserts and tea/coffee. I was feeling terribly withdrawn and drained and did not speak much. Then we went home. We were watching TV, it was showing “Jiang Hu” on channel 61. It was almost 10pm and I was telling her if she was still watching soccer. She replied that if she liked to watch she will watch and if she did not like, she would not. It was none of my business. I was rather taken aback by this rudeness and I retreated to the bed room. Then after a while I came out to the living room again. She was still sitting at the sofa watching TV. I just sat on the floor. And then she made her move. I was a terrible day and night. I felt so emotionally drained but I could not sleep. I knew that I was not in control of my emotions and I hated myself for making the situation so tense. But I was quite hopeless. I was only human and was only able to do this much. Then she SMS me, telling me that each time she came back I would give her black face and interrogate her. She said that she had phobia coming back. And then it was the usual exchanges of SMS of how she would not turn back; that she wanted to be just friends with me and mother of the kids; and that everything was fate; that she do not know the reason for her change of feelings; that even if she had left him she could not find back the feelings for me; that I must let her go because she would not turn back; that love cannot be forced; that she is still loving someone very much and that someone is not me and because of that she could not have any more feelings for me. Despite all these, I knew what I wanted. I would not want to let go yet. I could not let go until I was ready to let go. I will not be ready until I was sure that my feelings for her are all gone. When I looked at her face (during dinner), I was wondering – what was in her that made me love her so much that I was willing to suffer so much for this woman that would continuously hurt me. I could not find any answer. And she was telling me to be just friends. How to be just friends when I had loved her for 17 years? How could I just walk away after all these years of love and still be friends? Then she mentioned fate. I know that I do not believe in fate, I believe in making my own future and happiness. I will not leave things to fate. And she said love cannot be forced. I did not force her to love me before and I do not force her to love me now. What I asked for was a chance to rediscover or to find the lost love. Then she used the ultimate weapon: that she is still in love with him and that is the reason why she cannot turn back. I knew then I cannot change her mind. Time will help and I have to let time make the decision for me. When the time is right, the truth will be revealed.

She flew off to Bangkok on Thursday night and was to return on Friday night – that was what she said in the SMS to me. I was too busy on Friday to even notice her absence. And once a while she would SMS me that she was OK and told me not to worry. I was wondering – was I worrying about her? And very quickly the day ended. I went home for a quick dinner with the kids and then off to an appointment with insurance agent. And after that I was to meet the group of friends that I just made on the internet at Next Page – at 11pm. When the insurance appointment ended it was already 10:40pm. I called home and the little one was already asleep (the maid was taking care of her). I went to pick up someone (part of the group of friends) to make our way to Next Page at Mohd Sultan. It was the first time that I met up with them. I just sat there among them, exchanged some pleasantries and continued to just sit there. Then she SMSed that she had touched down in Singapore and was asking if the kids are OK. I did not reply her. She sent me a couple more SMS but I ignored her and she must have thought that I was asleep. The music was loud and I was lost in thoughts. I realized that it had been a long time since I have been out drinking with the loud music in the air and people gyrating to the music. That must have been more than a decade ago – and I remembered clearly then that I was with her and some other friends. We were already married for a couple of years but still look very much in love as we exchanged glances as we danced to the tune of the music. I sat there and I saw them dancing, lost in the world of music. Perhaps it was true, they can forget the pain while they danced away. They thought I was bored but I was not. I was just being myself and I enjoyed being myself and lost in my own thoughts. We were there till almost 2am and then we went home. When I reached home, F was still not sleeping and was watching TV. I tried to sleep but I could not. A night of escape did not help me – in fact – it was worse as after the momentary lapse, I was back to the world of stark reality.

Tried contacting her but she was already away on a business trip and will only be back late Friday night. She had SMSed me that she would pick up the children on Saturday afternoon. The children complained about eating rice everyday and so I have instructed the maid not to cook our dinner so that I can bring the kids out for dinner. I brought them to Pizza Hut at United Square. We had a nice dinner and we talked quite a bit about their school work, about songs that they liked and the activities that they would like to have. After dinner they went to the book shop as the children wanted to buy some books. And then we went home. She did not call or SMS. We watched a bit of TV and then the children went to bed. When I went into the bedroom, the little one was still not sleeping. She was crying ahd the maid was having a hard time with her. I carried her and yet again have to pacify her and make her go to bed.

After our exchanges of SMS about "how disconnected" she was with the kids, she made some moves yesterday. She made concerted efforts to contact the kids - especially F - who has been sort of ignoring her for quite a while. Then she came for dinner and spent some time with the three kids. And I believed she lined up a slew of activities for the kids for the weekend - I overheard - although she did not tell me what she was planning. And then she wanted to start to send the kids to school again. But she told me that now she wanted the weekend access to the kids to start from Friday evening to Sunday morning, instead of Friday evening to Saturday evening. I did not agree with this new arrangements at all. As for sending the kids to school everyday, I have agreed to allow her to do so on every Tuesday and Thursday. As for the evenings coming back for dinner - I told her before and I told her again - that the door to our house is always open (she still have the key) and she is always welcome back anytime. After her dinner, she spent some time testing S on her chinese spelling (which I have already tested an hour ago) and also spoke to F at length. And of course playing with A, the little one. I passed her two DVDs that I bought for her (well, it is a habit anyway for me to buy things for her even though we are separated). It was getting late and she wanted to at stay and make the little one sleep. She went with the little on to the bedroom and I was outside watching TV with F. After about 30 minutes when I went into the bedroom to check - the little one was still not sleeping - she was naughty yet again. But she saw me and called me papa and wanted me to carry her. I put her on the bed and hugged her and "pat pat" her and she was happy and fell asleep very quickly. My wife left the room and I fell asleep as well. When I woke up an hour later, all the children were already asleep. And she was long gone - I supposed. I went back to sleep again. It was a good day.

Just had the feeling that I was going on in cycles - one week of peace and calm and then one day of depression and sadness. And yesterday for once I felt a different sort of emotion - I was feeling angry. Angry not because she left me but because she said she loves the kids and yet she would literally abandon them to me. And worse, she was actually trying to tell me how I should take care of the children. I told her that if she is willing, we can swap our roles for a month - she stays with the kids and me alone - and that she spend every inch of her time with the kids - if she can do that - then she can tell me how I should handle the kids. I knew it was pointless to argue with her and yet I cannot stop myself from doing that. The only positive thing out of this episode is that I am getting much closer to my kids. They are now my everything. I would literally spend all my waking hours with them - sending them to school, talking to them, taking meals with them, helping them with their homework, playing with them and bringing them out for shopping, movies and so on and so on. I felt that I had took them for granted in the past - at times glued to my TV or my computer and ignoring their needs - I thought previously that being physically close to them was sufficient. Now I know it is not enough, they need more than mere physical presence - they need connections, they need conversations and they need me to express my love for them explicitly. And right now I am doing all that or at least trying very hard to do all that. But what about her? She has been so disconnected with the kids for the past 12 months that even now when she is already gone for a month or so, the children do not actually feel her absence - as they said - they got so used to mommy being not around that her real absence now is not felt.

I thought that I was very strong. How wrong was I. I thought I coped very well and how wrong was I. It was all just suppression. I was trying very hard to feel nothing. It was a long day at work and when I got home it was already almost 7pm. I had dinner with the kids and after that they retreated to their homework. By 10pm they had all retired to bed. I felt tired too and decided to rest early. I went into the bedroom - the two kids were lying on the bed - sleeping. I did not know what happened next - suddenly I felt so lost and hopeless and lonely. The feelings persisted and I felt that I needed to talk to someone. I did the unthinkable - I SMSed her. I told her that I was "feeling very lost and hopeless and lonely". She asked me what happened - whether it was my health or my work. She must be crazy. Was she really so out of touch with my feelings that she did not know that it was because of her? I just told her that "life sucks". She said sorry and that she had let me down but she cannot reverse it. Then she said that I was very thin and asked me to go for a medical check-up. And then it all ended. I went to sleep.

She came back for dinner. As usual she did not take any rice - just the vegetables and the chicken and the soup. The little one was at her mischievious best again - needed to give her a bowl with some rice to feed herself - otherwise she would climb up the dining table and create a mess. We did not speak much. And after dinner, she wanted to coach the second daughter S on her work. S was not cooperative and she was fuming mad. She asked if she could discipline S. I did not answer her. The little one was very sticky to her today - holding on to her - not wanting to let her go - as if she knew that mommy's presence was only temporary. And when at last she had to go, the little one was wailing out loud. The maid wanted to pacify her but she refused. Her mommy was gone and she was still crying. After a while, knowing that mommy was gone, she rushed towards me and wanted me to carry her and pacify her. I hugged her and carried her around and very quickly she was smiling again. I asked the maid to clean her up and make her some milk. Then she SMSed me, telling me that she was sorry for upsetting the kids. I told her it was OK. Then she asked if I was angry? Angry for what? I asked her. She thought I might be angry with her for upsetting the kids. I told her no that I was not angry and I won't be angry so easily. And that I understand her difficulties as well as she is still missing the kids. A day had passed and I was glad that I remained sane.

For those who had responded to my posts, I say thanks. I know what I was doing but it was only sometimes I could not quite control my emotions - that was why I wrote that blog. I know the state of mind she is in right now. As much as she wants to get away from me, she herself is also undergoing a lot and need to adapt to a new whole lot of changes. And I believe, she is also missing the kids badly. I really don't know. Sometimes I feel that she is trying to reach out to me - like these few days, she has been communicating a lot to me, telling me how things have change, how certain places that we have been have change back to its original and that sort of things. But at times, I can feel her detaching from me, intentionally trying to get away from me. I guess she is still very much unstable and confused - although she may seem to be quite normal. On the other hand, I just feel very much affected by what she is doing although I know I should not be. I am trying to get into her frame of mind and I think I am starting to ignore these contradicting signals from her. Yes, we are separated and I should be in this frame of mind - separated. What she is saying or not saying - we are still separated and I should not try to read too much into it. And I am not planning for divorce yet - it is still a long way to go. The only good thing is that she is not fighting or planning to fight for custody - and that is the reason why I am allowing her full access to the children - almost as and when she wants. It would be extremely difficult to be have a complete break-off due to the fact that the children are involved. However, I will try not to respond too much to her call and SMS. I will try to remain sane. She just called and wanted to come back for dinner. I am trying very much to stay calm and cool and hope that everything will be in order.

Today I did not wake up early and I did not go for my morning walk. She SMSed me around 8.20am asking when I could go to the driving range. I replied that I was waking up and needed to go to the market first. Then she suggested 11am for going to the driving range. I got up and went to the toilet to wash up. The little one woke up as well and wanted me to carry her. She hugged me tightly and refused to come down or do anything. When the maid made milk for her, she refused to lie down and drink the milk – still hanging on to me. I have to coax her and open the door for her to look at the dog before she was willing to lie on my thigh and take her milk. Then I woke up the other two kids and got them to wash up. And as usual on a Sunday morning, I brought them to the market. It will be the last marketing trip as the market will be closed for 2 months for renovation. We got all our stuff and now all the stall vendors did not ask about my wife’s absence. Even they got used to the fact. While I was driving home, she SMSed. She was driving me crazy again, she decided not to go to the driving range. She said that she felt sian and wanted to go catch a horror movie instead. When I reached home, her SMS continued – reminding me about the children’s piano lessons and also about their school work revisions. Sometimes, I wished that she would leave me alone.

We had dinner yesterday night - all of us - including the three kids and the maid. We went to the cosy bay. I never been to that place before. She had told me before that her colleague had brought her there before - that was a couple of months back. I did not think much of it then. That colleague of hers - her sub-ordinate in fact - the first time she spoke about any male colleague at great length - I did not take notice. Now as I recalled there were other instances of outing with this colleague - like dinner, having a drink, going for golfing, play mahjong - now all these made sense to me. He was her lover - it may not have started as a lover - but surely the seeds of love have been planted for a while. And yesterday she suggested this very place for dinner. I did not object to it although I did not have a nice good feeling. We sat by the side of the kallang river and could see the Stadium across the river. The reflections on the river water looked stunningly nice. The food was not as good as she had mentioned but fortunately the atmosphere was not tense. I had a glass of red wine and perhaps that calmed me a bit - we spoke briefly on inconsequential things and events. There were no taunting this time round. We had our food and the children put in coins for some of Jay Chou's music into the juke box. She asked me if I would like to go to the driving range on Sunday and I replied OK. And F remarked that we have not played golf for quite a while. She paid for the dinner and we left the place.

When I came back from my morning walk, F was still asleep. I did not wake her up as it was a Saturday morning and she should be allowed to sleep for a while longer. I read the papers instead and then I went to the toilet. While I was there, my mobile rang incessantly. When at last I came out of the toilet, I noticed that she had called three times. I returned her call and she asked me where was F. I told her that she was probably still sleeping. She hung up the phone. It was almost 11am when I went into the room to wake up F again. This time round she finally woke up. She washed her and I made her breakfast – egg, cheese and ham sandwich. After the breakfast, she was logged onto the computer to check her emails and recipe. Then she told me she wanted to make lunch for me and also to make some cookies. She needed an oven for that. We went to collect her Kumon class and homework as it was already late. Then we drove to Great World City to get our stuff. While in the car, she called F and asked if F wanted to go shopping with her at Centre Point. F declined. I bought a electric oven and then we went to Cold Storage to get the ingredients for lunch and the making of the cookies. I felt happy as F held my hands as she led me around the super market. I only realized then that even such a mundane task as shopping for ingredients can be filled with so much joy. My wife was gone as she had discarded me but my lovely daughter was around to care and to cook for me! I was elated beyond words and felt a sense of peace and pride. We got all our stuff and we went home. When we reached home my phone rang yet again. It was her again and I refused to take her call. I told F that I was resting and went to the bed room. I told F to wake me up when her lunch was ready. F woke me up for lunch. She made lasagne and it tasted wonderful although I am not exactly a fan of lasagne. Maybe because it was made out of love that it tasted so wonderful. After lunch, I did nothing but watched TV the whole day with F. After more than 2 hours of TV, F went to make the cookies. It was amazingly easy as I watched how she mixed the ingredients, knead them into cookie-like shape and put it in the oven for baking. As usual I helped her with the washing up. The cookies tasted very nice and crispy – a tinge too sweat but it got all the right texture and feel. While we were sampling the cookies, they came home – the two other kids, the maid and my wife. F had separately prepared a separate box of cookies for her to take away and they all tried the fantastic cookies made by F. I told them not to eat too many pieces as we still have dinner to take. They all went into my car and we went for dinner

I would want readers where to tell me what is the problem. Yes, my wife had an affair. The affair was gone as she had broken up with her lover and her lover had gone back to his family. Still she wanted to separate from me. I have accepted all these - albeit reluctantly. I wanted to move on with life with my daughters. She asked for access to the children - and I have granted all that she asked for - including Friday overnight access to all the kids. We have not been exactly on talking terms other than with regards to the children because she would not want to talk about our relationship and marriage - because as she said - it was all over. I have no problem with this. I did not try to initiate contact with her other when it is for the children or something official. And yet, she would try to contact or SMS me everyday - asking me how I was doing, showing me concern. And in a thinly veiled manner she was making some rather funny requests and even accussing me of "disturbing" my very own daughters with SMS. I just have an inkling that she was trying to drive me crazy, to make me mad, to make me lose my cool and temper so that she can justify her decision of leaving me? Am I thinking too much? Or am I imagining things? Should I just throw in the towel and admit defeat? This is what she wants? And today, she is asking me to join them for a family dinner. Well, hopefully the taunting will not continue or I could be well on my road to Woodbridge.

Not knowing what to do, I went to sleep early. It would be much easier for time to pass. It was just before 10pm and she SMSed, asking if "everything is ok". What a question? How can I be OK? I wished at that moment to tell her to mind her own business but I did nothing. I was beginning to feel a tinge of anger - not for abandoning me - but for showing me such concern. Am I OK? What a gross understatement. She probably never had an inkling of what I was going through - the lost of her, the torment of betrayal and more the feeling of being lost and unwanted - my whole confidence about me and my life was badly shaken. And I was trying very hard to put the pieces back together again. I did not answer her and went to sleep instead. I fell asleep fairly quickly. Once a while in the night I would wake up to check on the little one - and I would then realize that she was not around. I was awakened by the beep of a SMS. It was a "Good morning" from S - my lovely daughter. I replied her and told her I missed her. Then she SMS me a "Good morning" as well. I paused for a while, not knowing whether to reply to her. And I thought it would be harmless to return her greetings. Then she started to make funny requests - like asking me to change my mobile number just as she had changed hers. I asked her if it was necessary to change my mobile and she said yes. I did not argue with her and told her that I would think about it. But I was thinking: "She wanted to change her mobile number because she wanted to break-off completely with her lover. As for me, why should I change my number?. And moreover, I understand that her lover had refused to change his number anyway and why me?" I went for my morning walk and she continued to SMS me - keeping me occupied while I walked. Then S SMSed me that she was having her breakfast. And I replied that there was a new stall at the coffee shop near our house. Then S started to SMS and asked me what was sold at the stall. I told her nevermind since she was already having breakfast. And out of the blue, she SMSed - asking me not to disturb my daughter S with SMS as she was having breakfast. The tone was rude and I did not like it. I meant, they SMSed me - S and her - while I was sleeping - and she was saying that I was disturbing S with SMS? I told her that it was S who SMS me then she said I should stop SMS for a while then. I stopped the SMS but I felt rather sorry for myself. She is my daughter and I have every right to communicate with her. When she was staying with me, I always encourage her to communicate with her mommy, never once did I stop and restrict her. And now, just a few exchanges of SMS and she was saying that I was disturbing my daughter! And how about her? She was disturbing me with SMS all these while and I still entertain her. I was thinking to myself, maybe I should stop communicating with her - SMS and all. It was going to be a long day. I looked at the sky and the dark clouds were gathering in the corner of the sky - dark forbodings of the rain to come. And I made my way home.

I felt restless the whole day. Friday was the day and she would bring all the children, including the maid to her house - and I would be left alone. I wondered how I could pass my time. Perhaps it will be the time for me to go out. But where can I go? Throughout the years, I have given my life to the family and I have lost touch with reality. Without her and without the children, I would have nowhere to go. It was a frightening thought. I do not even know who to call to go out with me. Or shall I revert to the days of being single - when I go out drinking - alone? I dreaded the thought. But my thoughts were broken by a SMS. She SMSed me, asking me if I could fetch S from school at 4pm. She had earlier promised and made arrangements to fetch S from school at 4pm. But, she mentioned that she was busy at work and could not get away. She asked if I could help. What sort of response was she expecting? I replied OK and continued with my work. It was already pass 2pm that I suddenly realized that my car was not with me - I sent it in the morning to the workshop to replace the brake-linings. How can I fetch S without my car? Then I thought that even without my car, I can still get a cab to fetch S. My called my mechanic and surprisingly he told me that my car was ready for collection. I took a cab to the workshop to get my car. And then I drove to S's school. It was still early, barely 3.30 pm and I waited a while before I saw her. I held her hands as we crossed the road to my car. She asked me why I was fetching her and not mommy. I did not answer her. I dropped her outside the gate as I needed to run some errands. When I got home again, it was almost 6pm. She had told me that she would come to fetch the children at 7pm. I asked the children to finish their dinner and be ready for mommy. We ate our early dinner but F told me that she would not be going. I asked her why and she said that she wanted to study for her test next week. Morever, she said she will be bored there. S was different, she was all raring to go. We finished our dinner and it was already 7pm but there was still no sign of her. We sat on the sofa to watch TV. When she came, it was almost 8pm. She did not look in my way or talk to me. I felt uncomfortable and I retreated to the bed room. I tried to read something but was unable to. The little one came into the bed room and I played with her for a while. I pinned her down and kissed her. Then she came into the bedroom and started to remove some pants and clothings. I looked at her intently but she did not look my way. It was time for them to go. S came to hug and kiss me and say goodbye. The little one did not even say goodbye. And she just mumbled that she was going. And they were gone. I felt very empty and lost. It was only for a night that the kids will be gone but I just have this sense of emptiness in me. I went out to the living room. S was lying on the sofa watching TV. Then S SMSed me, telling me that she loves me. I sat on the sofa - not knowing what to do. There was nothing I could no. Now that F was not going, I was not exactly alone and I could not possibly leave her at home and have my own programme. I knew then that I would just have to wait for time to pass.

I do not know why that I allowed myself to be hurt yet again. It seemed as if I was on my way to recovery; that I am doing the things I wanted to do; that I can get on with my life. But how wrong was I? I finished the day early today and thought of going back early to be with the kids. I reached home, it was 4.30pm. When I turned the last corner, I saw her car parking outside the gate. I parked my car at the other corner as her car will be blocking mine. I took my bag from the car and walked towards the gate. She was making a three-point turn. I reached the gate and I can vaguely see her. I saw S in the front seat and she was waving at me. My father-in-law was standing by the gate. He gave me a strange look and I did not looked at them again as I walked towards the front door. I went into the house and F came out to greet me. She was still in her uniform as she told me that she just came back from school. S was gone, the little one was gone as well; so was the maid. F went into the study room to do her project work on the computer and I followed her into the study room as well. I took a rest on the little bed and dozed off briefly. Then my phone beeped - a SMS came in. She: "Are you ok? Look Sian" Me: "OK. I can manage" She: "What is wrong. Want to share?" "Why? Is it work prob?" "Let me know if I can help. Dun want to affect kids" Me: "It is OK. Nothing you can help" "Just spend more time with the kids" She: "These few days busy. Got tender and planning for biz trip. But picking them up tom to stay overnite" Me: "OK" She: "Has ur prob got to do with me? Pl b frank" "Change hp no troublesome. Hav to update so many things. Sigh" "??" Me: "I am sorry to have cause u concern" She: "Pl dun give my new no to irrelevant ppl" Me: "I wont" She: "No i m still concern. Is it health prob?" Me: "No" She: "So wat is bugging you?" Me: "I still miss u terribly. I am sorry. But i will manage." She: "ok" Then she went on and on about how I should do thinkgs and occupy myself like what she was doing - packing her days full of activities. And she went on and on but I was not listening. I thought I have got over it; I thought I was capable of detaching myself; but now I know I was deluding myself. She is still very much part of me; her every words and actions have a direct effect on me. Yes, I still miss her terribly; I still long for her; and I just want to see her. I was already trying very hard to move forward and not to think about her. But why she wanted to bring it all up again? Why the concern about me? Why? Why? Why? I just want to be me, to live my life with my kids. What was she thinking? That I should look happy in front of her? Or I should act to be happy in front of her? I was not happy and I was not going to fake it. Yes, I was moving on with life but the hurt was still there. I was trying not to think about the hurt but I was only human. Then the kids came back - S and the little one. She did not even come into the house. She was gone. The maid prepared our dinner and we sat at the dining table. F was at her bubbling self - telling me how she fared for her common tests - she did well and passed all of them. And she told me she got perfect marks for her history. S as usual at her dinner slowly. The little one was at her mischievious best - making us laugh through the dinner.

Good Morning

Yesterday was rather uneventful. Nothing significant happened. I went home early from work. S was around playing computer games and F was not back from school yet. I fell asleep in the study room. When I woke up it was time for dinner. F was telling me the rocket that she made in school that flew out of the school compound onto the road outside her school. After dinner, we watched a bit of TV and the children went to do their work to prepare for the next day. It was around 10pm but I felt tired and retired to bed early. The children were already sleeping and the little one as usual did not have her blanket covering her properly. I pulled up her blanket to cover her and gave her a good night kiss at the same time. I went to bed as I was tired. I was sort of half-asleep when I heard the tone of a incoming SMS. It was almost 11pm and she had SMSed, asking if I was asleep. I replied if there was anything I can do for her. She replied that her new phone line was supposed to be activated at 12midnight (and old line cancelled) and wanted me to call her after midnight to "test" the line. I was a bit puzzled by this request but nonetheless I told her OK. I set the alarm on my mobile at 00:01 and went to sleep again. I woke up at 00:01. I called her old number and got a reply that it was no longer in use. Then I called her new number and she answered the call. She sounded cheerful when she answered my call. She said thanks and goodbye and we hung up the phone. Then I went to sleep again. It was a peaceful night as the little one did not wake up. Once a while I would wake up to check on her. It was already 6am when I woke up. The children were already awake and they were waiting for me. The little one woke up as well and refused to be left alone on the bed. I took her to the toilet with me as I washed up. When I carried her out she still hugged me tightly and refused to let me go. I knew I was running late and had no choice but to pass her to the maid while I send the children to school. I can hear her crying as I was leaving the house. I went for my morning walk as usual after sending the children to school. As the walk was nearing its end - as I would usually take a rest in the park for 10-15 minutes before going home - I looked up to see the clear but subdued sky. A day was beginning and it dawned upon me the long days ahead. I thought I missed her but I knew that she must be left alone at this point in time. And suddenly a SMS came it. It was from her! It was a "Good morning" message. I tried not to read too much into the significance of this message but I could not but wonder at the timing and the reason. Since the day she left the house almost a month ago, she NEVER send me any "Good morning" message. I was the one who will send her "Good morning" message. Then she reminded me to tell S that her phone number had changed - quite a funny request anyway - as she had already told S about her new number and S was already at school and I could not possibly remind her. Anyway I told her OK. Then I went home - happy in the thought that I was well on my road of recovery - although I still miss her and love her deeply, my feelings and emotions were in checked. And she started to take notice of me or so I presumed. Anyway it was such a foolish thought - it was still a long way to go and I told myself to move forward. Whatever will come will come and I just have to be patient.

This blog is for those who had supported me by reading my blog (even silently) and providing encouraging words. I wrote the blog primarily as a release valve to express myself and to ease the pain inside me. It has been the most painful period of my life - much worse than when my mother passed away some 3+ years ago. And it has been a emotional roller coaster all the way - the highs extremely few and the descent to the depths of despair seemed endless. But I have to hold on to my seat - I cannot allow myself to be flung out of my seat. Now, I feel a sense of calm. At least now, her affair is over and I do not have to deal with the added pain of seeing her suffer too much. Right now, I only deal with her rejection of me. But I shall not wallow in self-pity nor will I try to beg her to return - I have tried that numerous times; told her I have forgiven her; told her to give me a chance to love her again and to make her love me again; told her to start our marriage like new as if we just got married; told her to let go of the past and to move forward; told her to come back to the family; told her that I love her too much to let go; told her I missed her every single moment; told her that the children needed her; told her that happiness is a choice that she can make; told her that i love her forever and will wait for her; and told her i love her i love her i love her i love her i love her. It was useless. The more I do and say, the further she run and the more she hated me. Right now, I will do nothing. I will just wait silently, walk slowly along the path that I have created for myself. I am looking forward; I am doing the things that I always wanted to do but did not do; I am doing my morning walk everyday; I am blogging everyday; I am spending whatever time I can squeeze with the kids; I am talking to my kids everyday; I am helping them with their work; I am waking up early morning everyday to send the kids to school; I am checking on them everyday; and I am loving my kids every living seconds of my life. I shall carry a little light with me so that if she wants she can see me. And if she is ready, she will see me right in front and she can catch up with me. Even if she decides to take another path, I can only see a better me because I have changed for the better - to a more caring man and father. I have become better to myself and much much better to the kids. I can see happiness at the end of the road for myself and my kids - with or without her. It is really inspiring to know that there are so many strangers out there reading my blog and providing me with the support and encouragement. Trust me, whatever words and comments that you have provided - they really inspire me to be stronger and to stay strong. To my supporter out there, I say a heartfelt thanks. I know I will not walk the path alone. The journey is long but I am guided by the lights of support.

It was a hectic morning for me. After sending the children to school I could only afford a short walk and it was back to work again - working on my presentation materials. The little one was cheerful today and did not stick to me like glue. After the presentation in the late morning which stretched right through lunch hours I had a late lunch. Then back to the office to clear emails and handle outstanding issues. It was a good day actually, got myself so immersed in my work that when I was ready to leave office it was already 7pm. I realized that I had not think about her for the whole day and she did not call nor SMS me. The thought was enough to make me feel a bit weak. I thought I missed her dearly but there was no time for such thoughts. I had to go home for the kids as it was Kumon night and I needed to send the kids for their Kumon class. We had dinner and F was complaining about her menstrual cramps - the woman stuff - something I could not help her with. And surprising S finished her dinner quite quickly and I sent the kids to their Kumon class. Went to the NTUC to pick up some household necessities and also bought two bottles of soft drinks for F - for her whatever rockets that she wanted to make in school. Then I brought the kids home. It was an uneventful day and I felt good about the day. Life was moving on slowly but in the right direction. And at last after 10pm she SMSed me. She asked if it was OK for the three kids to bunk in with her on Friday night. I replied OK as long as the kids are OK. She said the kids are OK. Then she told me about her possible overseas trip the next week and another trip to London the following month. I did not say anything but just acknowledged with OK. Then she told me about the difficulty of cancelling her mobile line as there will be a big penalty. I was inclined to tell her just to pay the penalty but I kept quiet instead and advised her to change the number if it was not possible to cancel the contract without a huge penalty. But in my mind I was thinking, what the heck is the few hundred dollars of penalty? I did not want to upset her and remained calm and collected throughout the exchanges of SMS. I was in fact very much impressed with my own coolness - the ability to feel detached. I knew that the best I could do was to feel nothing and not to say anything to upset her. I should just move forward and leave her to herself to see beyond the fog. I can only be a guiding light, a dim light in the darkness. She has to help herself out of the foggy night. Then I went online to chat with my new found friends. And gosh, I chatted till 2am. I showed them my daughters' photographs and all agreed that they are beautiful and cute. But it was a good chat as I almost forgetten about my pain - I can only see senseless words flying around. It was good fun to talk nonsense or even serious matters of the heart. It was amazing how we can open up to strangers on the net and talked about our deep dark secrets. And it was equally amazing how such strangers can provide support and encouragment in times of despair and hopelessness.

While I was at the office this morning trying to clear my email, she SMSed me, asking about the kids. I told her that the kids are OK. Then she said she missed them. I suggested then she should be back in the evening to see the kids. Then I told her that I will be booking two rooms at sentosa for the coming school holiday and invited her to join us if her schedule permit. She was non-committal. Then I told her about the kids - I mean, the real truth as this morning, the little one was not her usual self. I sent her this SMS: "This morning A held on and refuse to let me go toilet or do anything. Only I can carry her. Felt so close to her and love her so much. Made me realized that the children are so important to me. So I have finally decided to let you go. We won't be happy. Finally I understand the meaning of love" My eyes were a bit moist as I sent the SMS but I felt so good - the best feeling I had for more than a month. I felt a sense of relief. Life suddenly seemed so beautiful. We did not SMS much after that as I needed to work. It was a long day of work - the meetings stretched right through 8pm. When I got home she was there, coaching the children with her homework. And now the little one was very sticky towards her - refused to let her go and wanted her to carry all these while. We spoke briefly and I was glad that I felt nothing - it was almost unreal - feeling nothing for this woman of my life, this woman that had shared a good part of my life. And then she left. And I was left to be on my own looking forward to the days ahead.

I can see the end of the road.

I thought I can see the end of the road. I did not sleep very well - the little one kept waking up and had to be pacified now and then before going back to sleep. The children woke up to wash up for their classes and I woke up too. But I could not move far as the little one wanted me - she cried the moment I left the bed. Nonetheless, I went to the toilet to pass urine. And there she was - standing outside the toilet door - wailing for "pa pa pa pa". I did not have time to wash up - I came out and carried out to the living room - asking the maid to take care of her while I washed up. But she refused everything the maid did, she only wanted me to carry her and hug me tightly, refused to let go. I carried her for a while and then I turned on the TV to play a VCD of nursery songs - but it was to no avail as the moment I was more than a feet from her, she would cry. Time was running late and so I carried her to the bathroom while I brushed my teeth. She was OK as she stood there watching me washed up. Then got the maid to make her some milk and I asked the maid to carry her as I needed to send the other two kids to school. As I walked out of the door, she was still crying but I had no choice. I sent the children to school and in the car I asked them about mommy's request to spend friday night with them at her house. The younger one S was OK with the idea. However, my eldest daughter F was not too keen - said it would be too boring. She preferred to stay at home. I went for my walk after sending the kids to school. When I returned home, it was almost 8am and the maid had finished washing my car. And there she was - the little one - sitting near the door. From afar, she called me. I carried her and kissed her and she kissed me too. Life was not too bad after all - even without her. I have sort of gotten used to the routine of living without her. I looked at the sky and it was bright. I thought then I can see the end of the road - the end of 17 years of relationship. A new road will be built - a new road in which I have to walk the rest of my life with my three lovely daughters.

The Final Reality

Today I was again hurt and there was no one around me. I logon but no one was available for chatting. Then she SMSed me again - this time she apologized for her outbursts and kept saying sorry. She said it was all a misunderstanding! She said she said all that because she was still angry with him over the incident. Then the SMS stopped. It was another half an hour before she SMS again, asking me to call her. I called her and she told me that she had went to his house - to meet up with him and his wife. And he had told his wife the truth that it was he who wanted back with her and not the other way round. And then now he wanted back with his family again. She felt cheated and she gave him two tight slap on the face in front of his wife - and to her - everything ended. She sounded very calm or could I even say a tinge of relief. She said it was all over - between her and the scoundrel (her words). And for me, it was all over as she had already decided on the legal separation. All she asked for as she said was overnight access for the three kids every friday night to saturday evening. I told her I knew that I could not get her to change her mind and similarly she could not force me to change my mind. I told her that I have not made up my mind, I have not decided if I would let go completely of her. I needed time to sort out my thoughts - of how I wanted to lead my life. For a long time we were able to talk without quarelling. And at least we agreed to disagree. I felt calm, no anger, no resentment and not even sad. But I knew it would take time for me to come to terms with this final reality.

Today I unearthed more truth. It was sunday and I woke up the children to go to the market. My eldest daughter F did not like to go to the market. When my wife was around, most of the time I went with her and sometimes S followed us to the market. F seldom wanted to go to the market and in the first place she would prefer to sleep than to go to the market with us. But it was all different now. Last week, she went to the market happily with me. And similarly, when I woke her up, she did not complain much. My two daughters and I - we went to the market. As usual, they helped with the marketing, especially the vegetables and suggestions for fishes. After marketing, we ate dim sum at the coffee shop. And I believed they enjoyed it. We all enjoyed it very much. When we reached home, it was still quite early. The little one was already running around. I read the papers while the children watched their TV. Then I SMS my wife, asking her if she would care to come back for dinner or perhaps she would like to have tea with the children. She replied that she was busy with work and suggested another day. I thought nothing of it. But it was just past 12noon when she suddenly SMS me and asked if we would like to join her for lunch. I asked the children and they agreed as they also wanted to buy some stationery and books. So, we went to meet her. She ordered lunch for herself and F, S was sulking and refused to eat. After eating we went to the bookshop to buy stationery and some assessment books for the children. And then we went home. It was close to the evening when suddenly I received a SMS from her. She wanted the children to bunk in with her every friday night and to be brought back on saturday evening. I told her that I will think about it. Then the next SMS was that she was letting me know first as she will be putting the requests in the legal letter. I took it as a threat to use legal means if I did not accede to her request. I have never stopped her from seeing the kids - although sometimes I would attempt to do so. In fact, since we last see each other on Friday, I told her that the door was always opened and she should come and see the kids as often as possible. And now, she wanted to use legal means. This was understandable. However, the SMS that followed bordered on ridicule. She accused me of interfering with her affairs and that was why a legal separation was required so that I could not interfere with her again. Then she said that I acted like a saint in front of other people but in front of her I would go crazy. Then she said sorry. But it was too late. The hurt that she inflicted on me was unimaginable. To think that we have lived together for 17 years, and how little she thought of me - that I was acting like a saint (like forgiving her, like not hating her, like not angry..). Then she said that she no longer have any feelings for me and to let her go. And then she SMS again, this time asking to see the little one immediately. I did not object to the request. In the next minute she was already at the door. I went into the room to change and decided to go out as I did not want to face her and quarrel with her. After about 1 and a half hour, I called her to see if she was still around as I wanted to talk to her. On my way back, she kept SMS me, telling me that she was tired and asking me where I went. And even suggesting that I went to see that family and was plotting and conspiring against her! What a thought! After what I have gone through for the past months, the amount of pain I have suffered, in her eyes, I was someone who was conspiring against her behind her back. Then I reached home and we talked in the car. I asked her what she meant when she said I interfered with her affair. She said that last friday, I interfered with her affair. She wanted to talk to her lover alone and I was there interfering in her affair. What a thought that was! I was suppose to meet her, her lover called as he wanted to tell her the truth, to tell her that he was going back to his family in my presence - so that I can stop her from killing herself. And she thought that I was interfering with her affair. Yes, right, I was there so that she cannot threatened him with death again - she was still sore about this. I have prevented her from being with her lover again. And yes, I was interfering with her AFFAIR. She failed to see that that man was returning to his family because he cannot afford to lose his family - his family was more important than her. Then she left. And the truth was that I meant very little to her.

It will be a long long journey

I brought F and S out - S needed to make a pair of spectacles. And the little one was left with the maid to wait for my wife to fetch them. And not knowing where to go or what to eat, we convieniently packed some fast food and we ate it while I was driving them. When we reached home, it always already 3.30pm and they should be gone. But surprising the little one and the maid was still around. Before long she came and they left with her. I asked F and S to finish their homework and they quietly went into their room to complete their homework. After that I put on a DVD and we watched the DVD together. The show was almost over and they came back - just past 6pm. The maid fed the little one her dinner and I saw her carried a bag from the study room and went into the bed room. Then she continued to remove clothing and other items from the house and started to load onto her car. All these while she did not say much. And the children went about their business as if nothing was happening. I seemed to be the only one affected as I sat on the chair - feeling completely lost and devoid of feelings. When she finished her packing she went to look at herself in the mirror. I asked her to come to the bed room. I tried to hug her but she seemed hesistant, gave me a very fake hug. I just wanted to tell her to take care of herself and she was outside - but I could not speak coherently as I was already sobbing. She seemed irritated and asked me to stop the crying. She asked me to take it like as if she was dead. I stopped crying and she left the bed room. Then she opened the door and went to her car. I followed her to her car. I saw her start the engine of her car, turned out onto the road, stoppped for a while and then she drove it. I watched it till it disappeared into the corner. I went into the house and the little one came out crying - crying for mama. At that point, I simply could not control myself as I hugged her and we both cried as we hugged each other. Then F and S came to hug me and I hugged my three daughters all at the same time. I regained my composure and I clean the tears of the little one. And I went with S to the hawker centre to buy dinner for the kids. On the way back from ther hawker centre I asked S if she knew mommy was leaving. She nodded her head. I asked her if she was sad - and she said no. That was it - her leaving did not seem to affect anyone - not F, not S and not the little one (as she was too young) and definitely not my wife. I was the only one devastated because I still wanted so much to cling on to her. And how about her? I was wondering if her heart was made of steel that she could just walk out of the house - leaving the three children without a touch of emotion. The children had their dinner but I was in to mood to eat. It was going to be a long long journey and I knew then I have to be strong. The children are my inspiration. It will be a long long journey.

This morning, while doing my walk she SMSed me. She wanted to bring the little one out to her friend's house. At first I refused but I relented in the end. I told her to bring the little one back by 7pm and I will have the maid accompany her. Then at 10am she started to call and checked with the children their Birth Certificate numbers. When I checked with her, she said she had gone to the lawyer's office to file for separation. I called her, asking her to delay the decision - to allow a cooling off period before deciding. She refused. I had no choice. The writing was on the wall. She was gone. This time I have to face the reality.

I took a day-off as I planned to play some golf with her and to bring the children out for tea with her. But most of all, I just wanted to see her and to talk to her. I SMSed her again about the meeting in the afternoon but she did not reply. I sent her more SMS and called her on her mobile and still there was no answered. Then suddenly I was terrified and kept calling and SMSing her. But still she did not pick up my calls nor reply my SMS. I called her friend, E asking her if she was at work. She replied "No". Then I told her that I was unable to contact my wife. She too tried to contact her but to no avail. I sat slumped on the sofa, staring at the empty spaces. Then suddenly she replied. She said that she was sleeping and wanted me not to disturb her. She also wanted to cancel our meeting in the afternoon. And she told me everything was settled and that should would tell me later. I had no feelings. I went to wash up and made my way out of the house. I have a medical appointment in the late morning - my routine checkup - for a mini-stroke sufferred last year. I was still on medication and needed to control my Blood-Pressure. I went for my medical checkup. It was a long wait. I did the blood test and waited for a long while - more than 2.5 hrs before seeing the doctor. And there was still more waiting to get the bill and the next appointment and to wait for the medicine. While I was waiting, she SMS me - saying that it was OK to meet at 3pm. I had a funny feeling - a feeling of uncertainty. I got my medicine and made my way home. I reached home around 2.30pm. F was sick and at home. I saw her took her medicine. And the little one just woke up from her afternoon nap. She wanted me so much as she sat on my laps while I was sitting on the sofa. The maid made some milk for her and she was lying on me and feeding on the milk. I felt a certain closeness to her; I felt as if I was a mother to her. And she refused to drink her milk unless I let her lie on me. I felt happy with her by my side. It was almost 3pm and I made my way to the meeting place. When I was parking my car, "he" called. And he told me what happened in the morning. They had talked the whole night and at last he made the decision to left her to go back to his family. But my wife did not take it that well - and threatened and attempted to commit suicide. As he said, he got no choice but to "bluff" her that he would want to be with her again to calm her down. And he wanted to tell her the truth and since I was meeting her, he would want to tell her the truth that he wanted to leave her in my presence so that he can leave her while I shall stop her from committing some stupid acts. I agreed and told him to come immediately. I got out of my car and I saw her. I had not seen her for a week and now looking at her - I felt a certain pain in me. She looked haggard, her eyes swollen - probably with too much crying. And she stared at me, asking me "Why?". I said nothing. I got ourselvers two drinks as we set opposite each other. I tried to stall for time by talking on some inconsequential things. And she realized it and pushed me to speak out. And she spoke out herself. She mentioned that she would get a lawyer the next day to do the legals for the separation and that was the only thing she wanted to tell me - nothing else. I told her that whatever that was going to happen, she must stay calm and think of the kids and not to do any rash thing. She did not answer me and she started to walk away. I knew she was trying frantically to call him but to no avail. I followed her. And she was still running away. Then he came and we saw him. She went towards him and shouted at me to get lost. But I did not. She started to curse at him to ask him why was he doing this all over again. Then she started to ran - and told us that we would regret. We chased after her. She was running to her car and we caught up with her. She sat in the driver's seat and I was standing - with the door open beside her. He was sitting next to the driver's seat but he got hold of the car-keys and passed it to me. She grew hysterical and screamed at me to get lost - saying that she hated me and the sight of me made her angry. Then she wailed at him - asking him why was he doing this to her all over again - many times over and over again - everytime wanted to be with her and yet each time wanted to get out. I was still there standing. She started to punch me, and she bitten me on my forearm and even gave me a tight slap but still I was motionless - refused to let her out of the car. And she wailed at him again - asking him why after the last separation at the park - and when she went to Australia, how he wanted to be with her again and asked her to come back to him and yet now all he wanted was to leave her. It was all over but she refused to accept the reality. He took his things (some of his things are in the car) and he left. His father came to bring him away. And she was still screaming at me and created quite a scene. I refused to move and told her that I would return the car keys to her only when she had cooled down. She wanted to get out of the place as there were too many eyes watching us. She agreed to let me drive as she moved to vacate the driver's seat. My second daughter S called wanted me to fetch her from school. I drove off to fetch her. I dropped her outside the gate of my house. I asked my wife to get into the house but she refused. She wanted to go back to the hotel. I asked her if the kids mattered to her. She said that they did not matter anymore. S was getting down the car and the door to our house was opened. F and the little one was standing near the door and I could see three of them. They were looking anxiously at us. But she refused to get down the car, she refused to see them. I did not want to create a scene so I drove her to the hotel. She was still furious at me. She said she hated me and never hated me this much and wanted nothing to do with me anymore. She asked me to disappear from her sight for good. But I told her that I needed to see to her safety before I leave her alone. I called her friend E to come down to be with her at the hotel. E agreed but said it may take a while as she had some official business to settle. We reached the hotel but she was still had not cool down. She sat at the lobby and told me repeatedly that the sight of me irritated her. She wanted me to get lost. But I did not lose my cool. I just stood there. We waited for like an hour and still E had not appeared. I called her and she said that she would not be able to come down so quickly. And while we were talking, she dashed into the lift and I was too slow to stop her. I sat at the sofa. She had gone to her room but I was still there sitting at the sofa. I knew then I was powerless to stop her from doing anything to herself. I just sat there. I waited there for like 30 minutes and then she called. She said she wanted to talk to me and asked me to go up to her room. I went up to her room. She was sitting on the bed and I was standing. She did not look at me and she started talking. She apologized for what she did to me - how she shouted at me and how she hit me. And she thanked me for the past 17 years of looking after her. She said it was all over. She had decided to move on in life. She would not want anything to do with him anymore - even if he wanted to start all over again. She would change her mobile, resign from the company or even migrate to overseas. As for me, she would arrange for separation as soon as possible. For the kids, she would want to see them as and when she wanted. And that was it - 17 years - that was it to end it all. I stood there trying to contain my emotions. And I could not. She tried to hug me but I pushed her away. I went to the toilet to cool down and to wash up. When I was more composed, I return to talk to her - the usual crap. And I leave her room and did not look back to look at her. It was all gone. I walked aimlessly, trying find some directions. But I knew then that the children at home needed me. I was not sad. There were no feelings in me. That was nothing in me, just this sense of emptiness. I walked for about 2 hours and then I took a cab home. The kids were at home and as usual they were watching TV. They had already taken their dinner and I tried to eat something - I have not have a single bite of food since the previous day. Then we all retreated to the study room. I was helping F with her maths and at the same time playing with the little one. The three kids are my inspiration. I did not tell them anything and I did not know what to tell them. I was tired and decided to lie on the bed. The little ones came to me as well as she climbed onto me to lie on top of me - her face on my chest. I patted her softly as she fell asleep. I fell asleep too - momentarily. When I woke up F and S had already gone into their bedroom. I carried the little one to the bedroom, got myself washed up and slept beside her. I woke up at around 1am and could not get myself to sleep again. I got up to write this blog. It was such an eventful day. The day had ended and a new day would begin. My new life would start and I have to start right now.

It was a good night for me. At last I got to talk to a professional marriage counsellor. We talked for about an hour and work out some plan. The key thing as he said is to be patient and to have a lot of energy. He said that since we are still on talking terms, it is important to keep her engaged, have so much contact as possible with her as she allows and without pressuring her. It is still too early to talk about re-building the marriage to her as she will not be receptive. And to be frank and honest about my feelings - like still missing her and so on but not to dwell on it too much. Another thing is for me to spend as much time with the children as possible - to work all all my schedule around my children - so that in a very subtle and indirect way - restricting her access to the children. He also recommended me a book and wanted me to read the book and then pass the book to her - to tell her that I needed her help to read the book to help me validate my thoughts and feelings about the relationship. The key thing is to help me look at the whole relationship so that I can do better - and not to help her (it is indirectly). Even if may help me realize that it is time to let her go. After the counselling session I felt so much better although I knew it will be a long road ahead. As usual I began chatting and I chatted till almost 1:30am. At least I found someone to chat just to kill time and it helped me find my balance. Then I went to sleep. The little one slept well and did not wake up. I was awaken by my mobile ringing at 5:30am in the morning. It was from that woman - the wife of my wife's lover. I did not pick up the call. I put my mobile into silent mode as I did not want to disturb my little one. The call came in almost non-stop and as I did not pick up, she SMS me - telling me something happened and urgent, that my wife left a suicidal note. I got up and tried calling my wife but she did not pick up my call. I SMSed her and she replied that she was OK. Then I called her using S's mobile and she answered the call. She sounded OK but I knew instinctly that it was not. However, she reassured me that she would not do anything stupid. Then I SMS her a couple of messages - telling her to calm down, to think of the kids and that we are always there for her. And that was it.

It was a good day. I was so busy at work that I did not have much time to think. And in between she actually SMS me. She cancelled the dinner appointment for tomorrow with us and instead suggested having tea in the afternoon as she will be having dinner with customer. And then she further SMS me that she was in the vicinity of our house and has brought S out for a while and ensure that she has completed her homework and learned all her spelling. It was a good day as I did not have a tinge of sadness. When I reached home, F was sicked so I brought her to see a doctor. Then we we had dinner and she was very chatty today - telling me quite a bit of stuff - even her feelings for her mother. She said she did not miss mommy too much but of course sometimes she wished mommy was around for her. The little one was extremely edgy and cried at the slightest provocation. I had to carry her most of the time. But when she was not crying, she is such an angel. I SMS her about the little one and she joked that I had pampered the little one too much. I did not deny - she is the jewel of my life.